Snape In Love Hermione's Diary
by rickfan37
Summary: Companion to Snape In Love. Hermione's account of her relationship with Remus Lupin, her friendship with Ella, Snape, and her thoughts on the events of Snape In Love (which you need to read first!)
1. Sixth Year

This is one of two companion pieces I am writing to complement my novel 'Snape In Love'. Since I chose to write 'Snape In Love' in the first person, I found after I had finished that there was more I wanted to say, about how Snape and Hermione viewed the events covered in the two year time span of the plot. Both are, I am afraid, 'alternate universe' stories since they do not take account of certain events that occurred in Order of the Phoenix. Although I am writing them after Book 5's publication, 'Snape In Love' was written well before, and so they must conform to that story and not canon.

This is Hermione's record of events in diary form, and it describes the blossoming of her relationship with Remus Lupin and how it was shaped by the events in the main story. As such, I strongly recommend you read 'Snape In Love first, otherwise parts of this may seem a little confusing or sketchy. 

You may notice that this diary is written in a style far removed from my own. I have tried to recreate the tone, if not the content, of my own late teenage diaries, combined with Hermione's innate bossiness and, I hope, a little humour.

**Snape In Love; Hermione's Diary**

**_By Rickfan37_**

**__**

**__**

**_Chapter 1_**

**_Sixth Year_**

_Wednesday September 17_

I miss Professor Snape!

Good grief. Did I really just write that? Sirius, or should I say Professor Black, is one of the most disorganised teachers we've ever had. His lessons are okay, and everyone else seems to prefer him to Snape, even though they're still a bit in awe of him, but when I go into the storeroom it's as if he's deliberately put a Confundus charm on it, I can't find a thing! It hasn't taken him long to completely mess up Snape's system. He'll be livid when he comes back.

_Friday September 12_

Rumours are flying thick and fast about Snape. Some people can be _so_ stupid. They keep saying he got one of his potions wrong and turned into a bat – as if _that_ would ever happen! Harry told me the real reason. He's with Voldemort, trying to find out what his latest master plan is. And as much as I dislike Snape, I have to admire him for that. Putting himself in danger for years on end. It can't do a lot for his temper.

We had DADA again today. I'm glad Professor Lupin's here again this year. Maybe we'll actually learn something in class, instead of relying on Harry's clandestine meetings. And I'm glad it's him. I always liked Professor Lupin.

_Monday September 15_

Snape's back. He was at breakfast this morning, looking dreadful. I'd love to know what he was up to. And I'd hate to be Sirius Black today!

I really enjoyed Lupin's lesson today. And he has such a warm smile. Sort of gentle.

_Thursday September 18_

The archivist was bitten by a snake last night, in the Forbidden Forest. Professor Snape found her and carried her back to the school. And she isn't in the Infirmary, so Lavender Brown says she must be with him, in the dungeons! She and Parvati keep going on about how romantic it was. Honestly, what's so romantic about nearly _dying_? They're all so immature. I mean, it was _Snape_! They started talking about which teacher _they'd_ like to carry them up the lawn and save them from certain death. They all went for the obvious choice, of course. They don't seem to be at all put off by Sirius Black's lack of organisational skills. No-one actually chose Snape, for obvious reasons, even though he's the unlikely hero of the piece. I was just surprised no-one chose Lupin. Apart from me, that is, and I refused to join in. I don't want to be accused of having a crush on a teacher.

Sometimes I feel so alone. Nobody understands me, apart from Harry and Ron, and I can't talk to them about girl stuff.

_Friday September 19_

MY BIRTHDAY

I'm seventeen now. Seventeen going on twenty seven, I think. Sometimes it's hard to believe I'm the same age as the rest of my year, give or take a few months. I mean, really, all the uproar about that Miss Redemte. The poor woman must be mortified, AND he's kept her in his own room! Ugh, talk about having an incentive to get well!

Mrs Weasley sent me a very nice knitted cardigan for my birthday, and she says she's knitting me a jumper to match, for Christmas. Harry and Ron got me a book, 'A History Of Flight', all about brooms through the ages. I would have appreciated the thought more if they hadn't been sniggering so obviously as I unwrapped it. Mum and Dad sent me a lovely big bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk – I do miss it – and loads of makeup, don't know why. I ought to tell them I can create whatever effect I want with magic, but I just don't have the heart to. Oh, and they say they're going to pay for all my Muggle driving lessons, now I'm of age! Although I'll have to wait for the holidays. Cars are much nicer than broomsticks, in my opinion, and it's a useful Muggle skill to have.

_Wednesday October 15_

I met Miss Redemte today. Funny how she should be working in the library so much and yet I've never once bumped into her before. Ron and I were talking to Sirius and Professor Lupin at the Quidditch match, and she was with them. She seems nice, if a little distracted. I got the feeling she was waiting for someone, and I'm sure she's got a thing for Professor Snape! I saw her watching him go up the stairs. Must be because he saved her life. Weird, though.

And Gryffindor won today! Harry caught the snitch and wiped the smile off Malfoy's face. Arrogant little toe rag. How he _ever_ got to be a prefect is beyond me. And if I have to put up with any more of his insufferable comments at our weekly Prefects meetings I'll hex him from here into next year. Anyway, the match was great, as Quidditch matches go.

_Saturday December 13 _

I found Ella crying in the library today. Snape had been on his way out when I arrived and his face was downright scary. He just barked at me to get out of his way, but he looked _really_ upset. Then, as I was on my way to the Advanced Transfiguration section to get 'From Fireflies To Furnaces', I heard someone crying. It sounded awful, not little sniffles but the sound of someone trying to stifle heartrending sobs. It was her, and she was sitting on the floor with her head in her hands. I made the connection at once, of course. It was _so_ obvious. He must have been really horrid to her to make her cry like that, especially when she's not used to him. I tried to help, but I think I made her feel a bit awkward. After all, she's so much older than me, not very much younger than Remus Lupin, really. Funny how his age doesn't matter to me. But I told her she'd be good for him. I don't know why, it just seemed like the right thing to say. I know how she feels. I've begun to feel the same way about Remus, and I hate it. But I can't stop thinking about him.

_Tuesday December 16_

Harry's asked Ginny to the Yule Ball! She went bright red! She's liked him for so long! I think Ron's going to ask me. I suppose I'll have to say yes. The one and only person I _want_ to go with couldn't ask me anyway, even if he wanted to, which he doesn't. I wish I could meet someone new. Someone more mature than the boys here. Someone who isn't my _teacher_! I wonder if he'll ask me to dance with him at the ball? Maybe I could ask him, without it looking too obvious. I'll have to check when the full moon is, because knowing my luck he won't even be at the ball.

_Friday December 19_

The Yule Ball was okay. Apart from one dance, which was wonderful! 

It's half past midnight and I've only just managed to get away from Ron. He kept wanting to kiss me. I wish I could say I enjoyed it, but I was thinking of someone else the whole time. Oh, what a horrid thing to admit, but it's true.

I tried to look as grown up as I could. I wore my best dark red dress robes and I used the Anti-frizz charm on my hair, so it fell into shiny ringlets over my shoulders. Harry and Ron were pretty impressed, and even Seamus told me I didn't look half bad. Remus was there, sitting with Sirius, so after the banquet, when the long tables were transformed into smaller round ones, Harry, Ron, Ginny and I went over to their table. I don't know why we bothered, because they hardly sat down all night. All the seventh year girls kept asking them to dance. I danced with Ron, of course, but my feet could only take so much being stamped on so I partnered Neville and Harry too, just for a rest. Anyway, while Neville and I were dancing he noticed Remus was with a seventh year Hufflepuff he likes, so when we drew level with them Neville cut in! I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but then Neville really has come out of himself in the last couple of years. So, we swapped partners and suddenly I was dancing with Remus! Exactly what I've spent the last couple of weeks dreaming about, and I was so nervous and tongue-tied I could hardly string a coherent sentence together! He must have wondered what on earth was wrong with me. I felt stupid and silly and immature, and every time he spoke to me I could feel myself blushing.

But despite my uselessness, dancing with him was the best time I've ever had at a Hogwarts ball. I know it sounds strange, but I could feel his strength through his clothes. I had my left hand on his shoulder and my right in his hand, and his other hand was on my waist. I wished we could have danced a little closer but then the thought of more or less hugging him, because that's what it would have been like, in the middle of a crowded dance floor and in front of all my teachers, was just too embarrassing. It didn't last long until the song was over, but he said,

"Let's do the next one, too, but then I'll need some pumpkin juice!"

His eyes were so smiley and warm, but I couldn't bear to look into them for too long. Sometimes I just want to cry. It's not fair. I don't want to feel so much for someone who'll never know it, or return it.

After that dance, we sat down, but Ron came back and sat right next to me, and Harry and Ginny too, and soon Remus was dancing again.

Kissing Ron was quite nice, I suppose. Sort of friendly, and nice. I could get used to it.

_Wednesday December 17_

Ella's gone! It all happened very suddenly, the official line is that she finished her cataloguing early and decided to get settled in at Durmstrang before Christmas, but that's got to be rubbish. Viktor told me all about the place, and it sounds horrid. And besides, Hagrid told us he took her into Hogsmeade yesterday morning and she was crying again. That evil git Snape drove her to it, it's pretty obvious to me. And to think, I was _almost_ starting to think he might be human!

                     *******************************************************

_Monday April 15 _

I'm writing this in my bedroom at home. Mum and Dad are outside at the front gate, I can hear them talking to Mr Wallis from next door. Private dental plans, how fascinating.

I miss school. I don't know why, because this last term has been unbearable. I should have grown out of this stupid crush by now, but I can't stop looking at Remus' photo. I love his eyes. They're so soft and kind, such a lovely greyish blue. And I love his soft, wavy hair. He's only forty something, but he's going grey at the temples…I like it, though, it suits him. But it's been awful, having classes with him twice a week, and seeing him with Harry, Ron and Sirius. I can feel myself going all gooey inside, and I don't want Harry and Ron to notice. Not after that stupid crush I had on Professor Lockhart in second year. I'd never live it down.

It's so hard to concentrate in class. All I can do is _watch_ him, every twinkle of his eye, every movement – and even his reprimands are said kindly. And his laughter's so infectious, I have to stop myself grinning goofily all the time.

I wish I could tell someone about this! Mum would just worry – or dismiss it and tell me I'll grow out of it, which would be even worse. Professor McGonagall likes me, but she's so stern, and I could never look her in the eye again. And there's _no way_ I can tell anyone else at school my own age. Not even Ginny.

I think I'll have to go and see Professor Dumbledore and ask him if I can stop taking the DADA classes. I can't imagine studying for my NEWTS next year under Lupin. Oh, unfortunate turn of phrase! Damn it! I feel too distracted, I'm_ totally_ stressed out.

_Tuesday May 12_

I saw the Headmaster today. I decided to tell him I wanted to do a thesis relevant to DADA, instead of going to classes, and the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. He saw straight through me, I'm sure, but he agreed! He says I'm more than capable of doing well in the final exam anyway, and the thesis will give me any extra credit I need. And he says my ability to self motivate has never been in doubt! I am so relieved. He did say I'd have to have regular tutorials with Remus, so that he can keep an eye on my progress, but I'll be able to deal with that. I feel _so_ much better now. Except, my passion for him (yes, passion!) _still_ hasn't waned. It just grows, every day.

_Thursday June 18_

I had to tell Ron today that I wasn't interested in him in _that_ way any more. Oh, I was last year, when he was too shy to do anything about it and I was too much of a hopeless romantic to take matters into my own hands, but then I saw Remus, _really _saw him, and that was it, really. Ron's quite upset, and I feel terrible. I know he'll get over it, but I still feel like a complete cow. I mean, I never led him on…or at least, I tried not to, and I think he always knew deep down that our relationship was a little one-sided…but I think he rather wanted us to make the ideal foursome with Harry and Ginny. And I can see why, because it was fun, and convenient…but life tends to be a little more complicated than that. And I want more. I want passion, I want to be swept away by desire, I want to be adored, worshipped, protected. I want to be allowed to feel the way I do about Remus.

_Saturday June 20_

Remus caught me looking at him at breakfast today and he smiled so warmly I blushed from top to toe. I felt so stupid, I bet I was looking really goofy. I _must_ stop doing it!

_Tuesday June 23_

Remus came up to me this morning on his way to the staff table. He told me he wants to see me tomorrow afternoon about my thesis for next year. I lost my appetite completely after that. Remus _never_ loses his appetite. He always eats as if he's ravenous. I suppose he would, really, having the metabolism of a werewolf. He must burn it all up immediately. He's so wiry, I bet he has loads of muscles. And he's really strong. He could probably pick me up without even thinking about it.

I keep remembering Snape striding across the lawns with Ella. That incident has become a legend in our dormitory. I still don't join in, but I live it over and over in my head, with Remus and me. Remus and me.

_Wednesday June 24_

I felt sick all day today. I am so, so _stupid_ and _immature_, how could he ever be interested in a silly little schoolgirl like me? I'm only seventeen, he must be almost twenty five years older than me! He's old enough to be my father. I would just _die_ if he knew how I felt!

Anyway, the meeting went well, I suppose. I told him what I wanted to do, and he said we'd work out a timetable, and a way of measuring what I'm doing. He agreed with what I had planned, but he gave it more of a structure, and we agreed an outcome. 

He's still wearing those really threadbare grey robes, and he has a little patch at the back of his left shoulder. It's coming loose and I kept wanting to press it back into place.

He told me, after term ends he won't be my teacher any more. He'll be my tutor. I wonder why he told me that? It seemed significant to him. Oh, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Wishful thinking. He'll _still_ be forbidden fruit, and for so many reasons. Thing is, he'll still make my heart do flips, too.

_Monday July 27_

I'm Head Girl! I got my owl this morning, it's _brilliant_, Mum and Dad are so proud!

Oh God, I've just had an awful thought. What if Draco Malfoy's Head Boy? Oh, how can I find out?

And, as if that wasn't enough, I passed my driving test today as well! Ron's going to be SO impressed!

_Tuesday August 18_

Home at last. Mum ad Dad took me to Italy again, for three weeks. I didn't even take this journal with me. I decided to try to put Remus Lupin out of my mind completely. I should have known better.

The holiday was great. We did Rome, Naples, Amalfi, Capri – and I even met someone. We were based in Sorrento, he was a Muggle, an English student spending a year travelling Europe. He took me to Pompeii one day, and kissed me in the ruins of the Villa of the Mysteries under a blazing sun. I tried, I really tried to like him, but I couldn't shake off memories of Hogwarts. I ended up seeing him nearly every day for the last two weeks of our holiday. Mum and Dad didn't mind. We swapped email addresses but I won't be keeping in touch. I told him I was at boarding school and would be short of time. I didn't tell him we don't have computers, he'd think it was a pretty primitive place if I did! And it isn't, it's the most wonderful place in the world. Because _he's_ there.


	2. Seventh Year Autumn Term

**_Chapter 2_**

**_Seventh Year Autumn Term_**

_Tuesday September 1_

I am so glad to be back. Remus smiled at me at the Sorting Ceremony. He looked _wonderful_, and his ears went quite pink when I smiled back! It was so hard to keep my eyes off him. The same DADA teacher two years in a row, what a novelty!  Snape looked completely fed up, as usual. You'd think he'd be cheerful, seeing a whole year full of young impressionable minds to terrorise. Poor devils won't know what's hit them! And I bet he'll be really hard on us this year, because of the NEWTS.

It was good to see Harry and Ron again. Ron seems okay about us now. And Ernie Macmillan's Head Boy! I am _so_ relieved it wasn't Malfoy! Ernie's okay, pretty easy going really.

_Friday September 4_

Well, Snape's disappeared again so we had Sirius for Potions. Which means Dumbledore mustn't be expecting Snape back any time soon.

Went to the library again today while the other seventh years were in their DADA lesson with Remus. I mean, Professor Lupin. I shouldn't keep thinking of him as Remus, it doesn't make my life any easier.

I sat in the library staring out of the window for ages, I hardly got anything done! I only managed to write twenty four inches of parchment!

_Monday September 7_

Ella the archivist's back! I saw her going to Hagrid's hut this afternoon as I was on my way to Herbology. I told Harry and Ron we really should go to see Hagrid, so we went after our last class, double Arithmancy (which was brilliant!)

We had tea, and rock cakes. Ron said they tasted as if they were made of actual rocks, but luckily Hagrid didn't hear him. I asked Hagrid why Ella was back, and he says Snape persuaded her to come back for her own safety! He must have really threatened her, that's all I can say! It's all _very_ mysterious and Hagrid wouldn't tell us why she shouldn't be safe wherever she was before. Something to do with Voldemort, I suppose, these things usually are. Harry says maybe she's in love with Snape and that makes her a target. He was only joking, but the more I come to think about it, he might be right! Hagrid says she's very distracted and upset about it. I'll probably bump into her in the library sometime. In fact, I'll make sure of it. Very soon. How intriguing!

_Tuesday September 15_

I had my first tutorial with Remus today, in his office. I've been there before, but today was different. He actually treated me like an adult, not a pupil! Of course, I will be eighteen in four days' time. We sat in two armchairs by the fire, and we just chatted about my work so far. He was so helpful, and he gave me lots of ideas. It was so embarrassing, though, he had to ask me to leave in the end because I'd been there for _three whole hours_! I can't wait for next week.

_Wednesday September 16_

I saw Ella in the library today. Said hello, made her jump. She'd been daydreaming, she said. She always seems like she's miles away.

_Thursday September 17_

Went to see Hagrid today. He gave us tea and drop scones. On the way back to school afterwards Harry said they could be lethal weapons if they were dropped on someone's head. Har har har.

I saw Ella standing at the top of the Astronomy tower. At least, I'm pretty sure it was her. Can't think of anyone else at Hogwarts with that much hair, who likes mooning about. Apart from me, that is!

I think I'll see if she'd like a hot chocolate in the kitchens sometime. She looks lonely. It's all very well talking to Remus and Sirius, but she doesn't seem to have any female friends here, as far as I can tell. A bit like me, really. I mean, I can't talk to Harry and Ron about Remus, or anything. I wonder if she'd talk to me about Snape? Eww, I don't know if I'd want her to!

_Saturday September 19_

Well, I'm eighteen now. An adult in both worlds, wizard and Muggle. But am I in Remus' world? In his eyes? I'd love to know how he sees me. Then again, it might send me into complete depression.

Harry and Ron gave me a set of diaries and revision planners, all bound  in red and gold, but not the official school ones. They're lovely. I didn't have the heart to tell them I'd already planned out all my revision timetables, so I think I'll just copy the information across into the new ones. No point in upsetting them. Or exposing myself to more ridicule, either. Mum and Dad sent me a gold locket. Mrs Weasley sent me a knitted hat and gloves set.

_Friday September 25_

I had coffee with Ella today, in the kitchens. She's nice. She wasn't quite as distracted today, and we got along very well. She's lived all over the place, she's had a really interesting life. Sounds like it's been lonely, though. And to think she lost her whole family the same year Harry lost his! Her sister would have been my age by now, if she'd lived. She could have been here at Hogwarts. We could have been friends, who knows? I wonder if Ella thinks that, talking to me? 

I asked her about Snape, but she was very evasive. She just said she'd bumped into him in Diagon Alley and he'd asked her to come back here, and that's all she'd say. But I could tell. Her face gave her away, it went all soft when she talked about him. I _do_ have a hard time understanding it – I mean, I really relate to her, but she's in love with _Snape_?

I can't wait for my next tutorial with Remus. It's in two days, once the full moon's started to wane. Last week's was great. It lasted three hours again. That makes six hours of just me and him, since term started. Oh, I should scratch that out. It sounds so juvenile. It's the sort of thing Lavender would write. And this is so much more than a schoolgirl's crush. I _love_ him. I'm in love with him.

_Thursday October 1_

I met Ella in the library again today. I was telling her about Viktor, because I knew she'd been to Durmstrang. She told me how cold and miserable it was there, and she looked like talking about it was difficult for her. She said it was a very unhappy time for her, and when I asked whether that was because of Professor Snape, she admitted that it _was_! I decided to ask her why she'd come back now, and she just said,

"Because he asked me to!" and smiled. I didn't know whether to feel icky or whether to be sympathetic because it made me think of Remus and shiver. I think I'd do anything he asked me to. If only he'd _ask_!

_Wednesday October 28_

Snape's back, and everyone's convinced he's _dying_!

It all happened at dinner, I'd been wondering where Remus was, and he suddenly appeared with Sirius, holding Professor Snape up between them! He looked _awful_, and I think Ella screamed, because the next thing I knew she was running past us and throwing her arms around him! The whole school was in uproar, and Ella was distraught, especially after Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey reached them and whispered something to her. They all went off to the Infirmary and left Professor Flitwick in charge of restoring order. Everyone was agog, honestly, I don't think anyone bothered to wonder about why Ella had come back to Hogwarts, or even left in the first place, because they were all _totally_ dumbfounded! They had _no idea_ about her and Snape. I think _I'd_ have known, even if Hagrid and Sirius hadn't let things slip to us three. I recognised her as a woman in love because I am too.

I really hope Snape doesn't die.

_Thursday October 29_

It's official. The rumour machine was right this time. Sirius told Harry that Snape's dying. Voldemort cursed the Dark Mark and there's a poison spreading outwards from it. Gods. I bet Ella's beside herself! Apparently they've had the best physicians from St Mungo's out to see him, and they've said it's hopeless.

There has to be _something_. Sirius and Remus spent all day in the Restricted Section and as soon as I found out I made Harry and Ron come with me to help. But we couldn't find anything.

_Friday October 30_

I've _always_ said people should read 'Hogwarts; A History'! 

When I went to bed last night I couldn't sleep, I kept thinking how desperate Ella must feel. I'd be inconsolable if anything happened to Remus. And I had something niggling in my mind, and I looked it up and it was there! A counter curse that could work! I woke Harry and Ron up, sent Ron to get Dumbledore and Fawkes, and took Harry to the Infirmary. And Harry and Dumbledore and Fawkes saved Snape's life! It was _brilliant_! I was so _amazingly_ relieved, grinning from ear to ear, because of_ Snape_, of all people! Oh, and to see the look on Ella's face! She was so happy, she hugged me so hard I couldn't breathe!

Remus walked back to Gryffindor Tower with me. Sirius came too, but he, Harry and Ron went on ahead. We were walking more slowly. I _think_ it was Remus who was slowing the pace, but it could have been me. Anyway, he took my hand and linked it through his arm, and patted it – not in a suggestive way, he wasn't taking advantage, however much I wished he would – but it was more like a kindly uncle would behave. But it was still wonderful, and I was glad it was dark because I was blushing. I could feel his warmth and I so wanted to snuggle in to him. When we reached the portrait hole, Harry and Ron had gone in, and Sirius wasn't around, so before I said the password, I hugged him. I couldn't help myself. And he hugged me back and stroked my hair, and I felt like I wanted to laugh and sing, and never let go! I was pressed against him from my head to my toes, but then he pushed me away gently, and kissed my forehead. His eyes looked sad, and wistful, and he said goodnight, turning to leave as I closed the hole behind me.

And I _still_ can't sleep!

_Sunday November 1_

It was the Hallowe'en Feast last night. I always enjoy it, but this year was particularly good. After all the tables had been cleared, Remus came to sit with me, Harry and Ron. He sat next to me and kept leaning in to whisper jokes in my ear. He was so funny, and the way his shoulder pressed against mine and his hot breath tickled my neck made me feel_ very_ giggly! I acted my age, though, and tried not to sound too immature.

When I got ready for bed I noticed that although I'd felt a bit silly and childish at times, my body had reacted to his nearness in a very mature, womanly way.

I keep telling myself, I _am_ eighteen now. I've been an adult in the wizarding world for over a year now. And I'm not _necessarily_ too young for him. I _wish_ I knew whether he sees me as a girl or as a woman.

_Tuesday November 3_

Saw Ella today, it's the first time she's come to help Sirius since last week. She says Snape's getting better, called him 'irascible' so he must be on the mend! And she said it with a smile on her face so she mustn't mind it! She went straight back to the Infirmary when the lesson was over and she seemed so happy. Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode were sucking up to me after she'd gone, because they want to know what's been going on. As if I'd ever tell _them_ anything!

_Thursday November 5_

Snape came into Potions class today! He stalked in and gave Ella _such_ a look! The sort of look that says, 'Not in front of the students!' It was funny. And at the end of the lesson when everyone else had gone, he actually thanked us for saving his life! Quite right too, but it sounded so strange. He sounded different – sincere, and serious. And he called Harry 'Harry', not 'Potter'! I mean, it didn't exactly trip naturally off his tongue, but he did it! What a shock!

As we were leaving the classroom I looked back, and his eyes were burning into Ella. It made me shiver. I wish Remus would look at me like that. It was all I could think about, and I had to go straight to my tutorial with him! I couldn't concentrate and we ended up talking all about Snape, and the last few days. It was nice. But we didn't talk about what Ella and Snape were very probably doing right at that moment! At one point, he sat forward in his chair, leaning towards me, and he reached out and squeezed my hand. I couldn't tear my eyes from his face and eventually he let my hand go and sat back. I was shaking inside. Oh, I'm _sure_ he feels something too!

It's nearly time for dinner. Mustn't be late.

_Friday November 6_

Ella knows how I feel about Remus. It's such a relief to think I can have someone to talk to about it. She and Snape were at dinner last night. They were late, and of course Harry and Ron just _had_ to comment. Harry said Snape was looking very pleased with himself, so Ron said that was because it was pretty obvious from the dazed look on Ella's face that Snape had spent the last few hours shagging her senseless! Then they started to snigger about it. Honestly, I wish they'd just _grow up_!

They _did_ have a point, though. Ella was _glowing_. She looked so happy. I feel really envious of her. Remus was sitting next to her and I couldn't take my eyes off him. I kept wondering what it would be like to have Remus make _me_ feel the way Ella feels.

Anyway, Harry and Ron went straight back to Gryffindor Tower after dinner, it was Round Three of their stupid Wizard Chess tournament with Seamus and Neville and the others. I wanted to wait till Remus left, but then I saw Ella get up and say goodnight to Snape. He looked really cross, but she kissed his cheek and began to leave. Sirius and Remus were trying not to smile, because it was evident that she wasn't going back to the dungeons with Snape! I followed her out and met her by the doors to congratulate her on standing up to him. We sat and talked for a while in the entrance hall. I more or less admitted to her how I felt about Remus, but she'd guessed anyway. She made me feel better, she even said that maybe Remus had agreed to tutor me because he felt the same! Oh, I hope she's right, I really do!

_Monday November 30_

My thesis is going really well. I spent all day on it today. I spent all morning with Remus, and then worked on what we'd discussed in the afternoon. But I _really_ don't know how I concentrated. We sat at his desk and he was so close our legs touched. We were bent over a really interesting book together. He's so clever. It was _heavenly_.

_Wednesday December 2_

Coffee with Ella today in her room. We had a really nice long natter. I told her I'm in love with Remus. I know it's far more than a crush. And she didn't judge me, or try to discourage me. She just – talked me through it, I suppose, made me really think about how I felt and what I want from him. Apart from the obvious! And she told me she understood. With a dreamy smile on her face, and I know who put it there! Eww!

Actually, it isn't even 'Eww' any more. More like, 'Hmm'. I suppose it's because I'm a woman in love too. Snape probably looks quite nice when he isn't scowling. In a brooding, Gothic sort of way. Foul temper, though.

_Friday December 11_

Met Ella for coffee again, in the kitchens. Spent all morning gossiping, it was nice. I think she's probably my closest female friend now. Even though she's old enough to be my mother, she's starting to feel more like a sister. Snape came to get her after morning lessons had finished. He was his usual sarcastic self, asking whether we'd had a productive morning and looking superior when Ella happily admitted that we hadn't stopped talking for over two hours! But I saw the way his face softened when he looked at her. They're _besotted_, they really are!

Anyway, after lunch I stood at the main doors for a while to watch the snow. Everywhere's white now, it looks so pretty. It was funny, I was imagining walking through it with Remus, and I must have been miles away because he actually came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder to say hello! I nearly jumped out of my skin and then I went bright red. He stood and watched with me for a while, standing a little behind me so that my right shoulder was in front of his left, and every time he leaned in to talk to me we were touching. We talked about the snow, and the forest, and sledging to Hogsmeade. Then the bell rang and he had to go, and I had to go to the dungeons to help Ella tidy Snape's storeroom. 

I had a really good idea about how we should reorganise it, so it was fun. Snape kept poking his big nose in, of course. I don't think he quite trusted me, and he kept glaring at me too, so eventually I left him and Ella alone in there for a few minutes. He looked flushed when he came out, and Ella had that dreamy look again. She smiles to herself when she thinks no-one's looking. I've never been able to read auras, but I bet hers blazes every time she's near Snape. Wonder if mine does, with Remus? Gods, I wonder if _he_ can read auras? Great. Now there's something else for me to lie awake and wonder about!

AUTHOR'S NOTE;

Thanks for your support so far! Please let me know how I'm doing by leaving a review. It feels a little strange, trying to get into the head of an eighteen year old. I can sort of remember it, but it was a long time ago!

And please read and review Chasing Darkness Away, too. It does get lighter!

I have a Yahoo group now, where I archive my work and even give the odd sneak preview! You can find the URL on my Author page.


	3. Seventh Year Christmas

AUTHOR'S NOTE 

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Sorry it's taking a while to update this, but its companion story, my current WIP 'Chasing Darkness Away' (accessible from my author page) is taking up all of my time at the moment. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. Here's where it begins to earn its rating.

**__**

**_Chapter 3_**

**_Seventh Year Christmas_**

_Friday December 18                                                                           _

Remus loves me! He_ told_ me! I can hardly believe it! It was so horrid, what Ella and I went through, but now it's all over and I know he loves me, and I feel so _happy_!

I don't know where to start, but I have to write it all down because I never want to forget how it all happened. And I can't write about the nice part without including the nasty part, because I suppose if it hadn't happened he might never have told me!

Three days ago I went with Ella to get some supplies for Snape's store cupboard. He needed firecracker weeds, and Professor Sprout said we'd need to go to the Forbidden Forest to look for some, as she'd run out. Malfoy's father was there, and he knocked me out. When I came to, Ella and I were somewhere else, somewhere Voldemort had created and outside of time. It was a rocky, barren plateau, and Mr Malfoy had manacled us to a rock face. It was _awful_, I can't remember much of the start of it because I had concussion, and it's probably better that way. But Voldemort was there, and he was gross. I never knew what pure evil looked like before, but it wears his face. He made me watch images of Remus turning into a vicious werewolf. He knew how I felt about him, I don't know how. And all I could think was, _I love him, I love him,_ and I kept screaming it out. I think he wanted to break me but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction. I don't remember much else for a while – being hit with Cruciatus twice can have that effect!

I found out later that Voldemort had told Ella that _Snape_ made the poison that killed her family! By the time I came round again, Voldemort was playing with Nagini and then Remus and Snape appeared, with Harry, Dumbledore and Sirius. It was awful. Voldemort told Ella she was pregnant, and he ripped it out of her magically and showed it to her, and then hurled it over the edge of the plateau…oh, it was awful, she was miscarrying, in front of Snape and everybody. Snape was beside himself, and he tried to kill Voldemort but it rebounded and killed him instead! And suddenly Remus was dead too, and Sirius, and the Headmaster, and only Harry was left. Voldemort disappeared, Harry overpowered him somehow, so there were only the three of us left. I felt so hopeless. I had no idea what to do, I just wished I'd died too, and Ella was just broken. Thank goodness Harry was there with his wits about him, because he remembered the Time Turner. It had never even crossed my mind. And really, although I was worried it wouldn't work, I could kick myself for not thinking of it at once. It was so _obvious_.

So, Ella and I went back to try again. She got Snape's wand before he could try to kill Nagini, so this time Voldemort never got as far as telling Ella she was pregnant. Then all of them used their power to support Harry, and they sent Voldemort's essence screaming into the rock again, and Professor Dumbledore had a Portkey that took us straight to the Hospital Wing.

And that's the horrid part over with. I never, _ever_ want to go through anything like that again. Even though it brought Remus and me together. When Voldemort disappeared for the second time and we were left standing there on the plateau, Remus hugged me so fiercely I couldn't breathe. I was sobbing, because I'd seen him die, and now here he was, holding me as if he never wanted to let me go. I wrapped my arms around his waist and I hugged him back as we used the tea cosy Portkey. I didn't want to let go of him, and he didn't want me to. Madam Pomfrey checked me over and gave me a Dreamless Sleep Potion so that I could rest. 

He was the last thing I saw before I went to sleep, and the first thing I saw when I woke up. He was holding my hand and when I opened my eyes he was smiling at me. He helped me sit up, and when he touched me I tingled. We looked at each other and then I just couldn't help it, I flung my arms around his neck, and he hugged me back! He said,

"I'm so glad you're safe!" Sigh. I remember everything we said, I'll never forget it. He told me how worried he'd been, and when he saw me with my face covered in blood he'd been scared of losing me! And he said he wanted me to know how he felt, but by then I could hear a catch in his throat and I knew. I just _knew_.

And then he _kissed_ me for the first time! He stopped hugging me and he put his hands on my cheeks and just gazed into my eyes. Oh, I love his eyes. So gentle, and so blue. Then he kissed me. He was so hesitant, as if he didn't know how I'd react. He tasted of mint, and his lips were warm and soft. I sighed and closed my eyes, I felt like I was floating away, and as he moved away I put my arms around his neck and pulled him back to me so that I could kiss him. He whispered,

"Oh, Hermione!" against my lips, and I just melted. Viktor had been good at kissing and I have to say, he taught me a fair bit – but it was like I'd never kissed anyone before! I mean, _really_ kissed them! This was the sort of momentous event that changes your life. I didn't want to stop, ever, but then I heard Snape shouting for Madam Pomfrey because Ella was awake, and I looked across but the screens were drawn. Anyway, Remus stayed with me for the rest of the day. Gods, all this has almost made the kidnapping worthwhile!

It's no good, I simply _have_ to go to sleep now! And I still have so much more to write. Oh well, it'll keep until tomorrow. After I've seen Remus again. I'm _so happy_!

_Saturday December 19_

The carriages will be here soon, to take everyone to Hogsmeade Station. Rotten timing, to have to say goodbye to Remus when we've only just got together. I went to see him just now, to say goodbye. I ended up spending all morning with him!

Anyway, I need to finish writing down what happened yesterday. Ella IS pregnant, Madam Pomfrey confirmed it. We went back to see her after we'd met in Professor Dumbledore's office for a sort of 'debriefing'. Remus was with me the whole time, with his hand on my shoulder. It was so nice to have him there. Ella had to tell Snape in front of everyone that he'd basically poisoned her family. I've never seen him look so upset. Then we had to tell them how we'd seen them all _die_! Ella obviously didn't want to mention the baby, so I sort of left that bit out. But it was all pretty horrid, having to relive it all.

And then at dinner everyone was whispering and talking about us. People kept staring, and I didn't dare look anywhere except at my plate. Then after dinner I had to fight off everyone's questions, and Remus and Sirius came to rescue me. We went to Remus' office and Sirius discreetly left us alone. I felt really awkward for a moment because I didn't know whether or not Remus had changed his mind about us, but I shouldn't have worried. He just came over to me and slowly took me in his arms, and we stood holding one another. He said he didn't want me to go tomorrow, and I asked him why, and he said he'd miss me! I told him that he was the best Christmas present I could ever have, and that I was really happy. Then we sat down by the fire and he held my hands, and said we needed to talk.

Well, that never sounds good, and I told him so! But I needn't have worried. He just wanted to make sure I know how serious our situation is, his being a teacher here. We agreed to stay apart, or at least, not get any closer until I finish school in July. It's only seven months or so, and I'll be eighteen and a half by then. I told him I'd only agree to it if he kissed me again, and he seemed to think that was a pretty good deal! He is such a _wonderful _kisser! He makes me tingle all over.

I must admit, things got a little heated, but it was _nothing_ like the Wandering Hands Syndrome that most boys of my age seem to suffer from. This was altogether more…mutual, more loving…and more passionate. Gods, no _wonder_ Ella's always smiling to herself! Just as I was starting to wonder where his bedroom might be, Remus said he thought I should be getting back to Gryffindor Tower. His ears had gone bright red and he looked as if it was the last thing he really wanted me to do, but he wouldn't let me persuade him otherwise, so I made him walk me back instead. The long way. Oh, and I never knew how romantic Hogwarts' draughty old corridors could be! One of the staircases groaned and shifted while we were on it, and it stopped mid-turn, as if it wasn't quite sure where it wanted us to go. I tuned to Remus, who was behind me on a lower step, and I put my arms around his neck and said,

"Maybe this is a sign we should turn back, and go back to your office!

"Nice try, Hermione!" he said as the staircase started to move again. Oh well!

Anyway, I got up early this morning and went to see him again. I hoped we could carry on where we left off last night. He said he'd been expecting me, and he was obviously pleased to see me! We talked for ages, until I realised I still had packing to do. Oh, I'll miss him so much! And Ella, too – I hope she's okay. She's so scared of telling Professor Snape about being pregnant. I told her he'll be overjoyed, but she's not convinced. I'm not either, actually, but I couldn't tell _her_ that, she's worried enough as it is. I can't imagine him as a father. It's hard enough coping with the fact that he must be a human being, he keeps it very well hidden.

It's brilliant having a female friend at last. Someone I can rave to about Remus, who understands. I feel like I could tell her _anything_. Wonder if she wants an honorary sister?

_Tuesday December 22_

I got an owl from Remus!

He misses me! Oh, I'm so happy, and miserable at the same time! This is what it said;

"Dearest Hermione, I hope this finds you well. Professor Flitwick is busy decorating everything in sight, so no-one dares stand still for very long! I haven't seen much of Ella, but I think she's getting over things, with Snape's help. Harry and Ron have been out with Hagrid most of the weekend, I don't know what they've been doing but they come back exhausted and covered in snow! Getting some practise in for Christmas Day afternoon, I'll bet! By the way, I've marked your latest work…excellent, as always. And that's about it…except that I miss you, very much. Have a good Christmas, Hermione, and I'll be thinking of you. Love Remus."

I replied, of course, by return owl. This holiday is going to drag! 

_Thursday December 24_

I'm fed up. Harry and Ron are at Hogwarts, so are Ella and Ginny, and Sirius. And, of course, Remus. Oh, why am I here? I know it sounds terribly ungrateful, because I love Mum and Dad, and I _do_ like to come home to see them – but I've been here nearly a week now and I'm homesick for Hogwarts! I'm going to talk to them, ask them if they'd mind if I went back tomorrow, after lunch. They'll still have Auntie Vi and Uncle Simon here until Boxing Day, I won't be leaving them on their own. And I have my Apparition license now, I can apparate directly to Hogsmeade, Dad won't even have to get the car out.

And…I've come to a decision. The best Christmas present I could ever have would be to be with Remus. To see him. All of him. Touch him. Oh, I want to make love to him! This last week, it's been all I can think about! I know he'll say no, he's so infuriatingly responsible and aware of all the reasons why we shouldn't, I'm sure, but I want to anyway! The very worst that can happen is that he'll try to put me off. And I can be _very_ determined. And the way I feel right now, just a kiss would be better than nothing! Oh, I really, _really_ miss him! 

_Friday December 25_

****

I feel so full I could burst! What I need is a nice long walk to help my huge Christmas dinner to digest. Say, from Gryffindor Tower to Professor Lupin's office and private rooms?

I got back at around four this afternoon. I apparated to Hogsmeade and nearly died of shock, there was so much snow! The high street was knee deep in it, and Rosmerta and Mr Honeyduke were busily organising their staff to use their wands to magick it all into huge snow sculptures each side of the road. It was lovely, I stayed and watched for several minutes, until I remembered why I'd come back! But the sculptures were so pretty. Anyway, I only walked for about ten minutes before Hagrid found me. He gave me a ride on his sled, there were loads of furs so I could snuggle down and enjoy the ride in comfort. I got more and more excited as we drew closer to Hogwarts, and when we started up the lawn I could see everybody in the distance having the traditional snowball fight! And as I got off the sled and he saw, me, Remus came running to me! _Running_, and he threw his arms around me and kissed me so hard it took my breath away! Oh, he felt so wonderful. 

And Harry was there, and Ron, and Ginny, but he didn't care! Well, actually, I think he forgot himself, but it was too late by then. We'd done it, and he didn't let go of me. We walked up to the others arm in arm. Ella and Snape were there too – and Snape's gloves and coat were caked in snow, I think he'd actually joined in! I wish I could have seen that! And he had his arm around her shoulders and they were both positively glowing. Or maybe his nose was just red with cold, it does stick out into the icy air much further than the rest of him. Oh, that was mean of me! But I just feel so exhilarated and so happy! And nervous…

Anyway, dinner was a very long affair. It starts extra early at Christmas, so when we went inside we just dumped our coats and cloaks and went straight into the Great Hall. It looks lovely this year, too. Professor Flitwick used real icicles, but charmed them so they never melt.

I ate so much, even though I'd had a Christmas lunch at home and Remus was sitting next to me. He stuffed himself! I've always noticed that he has a huge appetite, but really…and he can hold a conversation at the same time without talking with his mouth full, so it isn't gross! I must ask how he does that. It would come in ever so handy. I felt obliged to try to keep up with him to be polite, so I ended up having three helpings of turkey and two desserts before I finally admitted defeat!

Snape was mooning over Ella the whole time. I was sitting opposite them and he couldn't keep his hands off her. He kept playing with her hair and touching her arm, and leaning over to whisper in her ear, and nuzzle her as he spoke. She had that smile again and if I'm perfectly honest I'm not surprised. If Remus did that to me, I'd be a puddle on the floor. Just watching them together is surprisingly erotic. Gods. Snape, erotic? Hell, yes! If I try to look at him objectively, try to blot the last six and a half years out of my mind completely, then he is pretty sexy. I think it's mostly his single minded focus on her that does it, and the look in his eyes. Being in love certainly hasn't improved his manner with us lesser mortals. He was quite civil at dinner, though, when Remus asked him about Wolfsbane potion. And he only glared at me a couple of times.

I went to Ella's rooms after dinner, for a nice girly chat, since Remus and Professor Snape had gone down to the dungeons. I told her I wanted to sleep with Remus. Oh, it was so good to confide in someone, and she wasn't even that negative about it. She just said how hard it would be to not keep on doing it, once we'd started, and I know it'll be hard for us during term time, but I'm sure we'll cope – it'll be so worth it!

Now all I have to do is sneak past Filch and Mrs Norris and get to his rooms, and then…do what Ella seems to do so well with Snape, and wrap Remus around my little finger!

_Saturday December 26_

I had it all planned out. I thought I was being so clever! And then I forgot about the one obstacle in our way that I wouldn't be able to talk my way round. Contragravida potion! I got all the way to Remus' office without bumping into anyone, not even Nearly Headless Nick, who's harmless but a terrible gossip, and I was just about to open the door and sneak in when I realised I didn't have any with me! Madam Pomfrey had grudgingly let me have some when I was seeing Viktor, but I only had a dose or two left, and it was packed away at the bottom of my trunk! I'd been so carried away with how clever and assertive I was being, I completely forgot about it! So, I had to turn back and traipse all the way back to Gryffindor Tower. I knew he wouldn't trust himself with me if he thought there was any chance at all of an accident…and I certainly didn't want to go in there and come away frustrated!

Typical of my luck, I was almost back at the portrait hole when I saw Mrs Norris along the corridor, and Filch's lantern casting long shadows along the wall. Honestly, does that man _never_ sleep? I hid in an alcove behind a tapestry and I could just peep out and see the mangy cat's red eyes staring at me. Anyway, fortunately, Filch gave her a piece of turkey from his pocket and she must have forgotten about me, because they moved on after a while, and I was safe. By the time I'd got back to my room and emptied my trunk, though, it was nearly one in the morning, and I was tired and cross. I didn't think my powers of persuasion would be up to much by then, so I ended up just going to bed. Merry Christmas, Hermione!

I'm determined next year will be better. And there's always tomorrow – I could wake him up! Now _that_ would catch him off guard…

_Sunday December 27_

I don't know where to start but I've got to write this down. One day I might even let Remus read it. When we're old and grey together.

Remus and I made love yesterday. And it was nothing like I've ever done before. I've only ever had sex before. Now I know what it's like to really, really love someone.

I didn't get to sleep till about two in the morning yesterday, and I was determined to be with Remus as he woke up, so I set my alarm clock to go off at six. I was so tired, it had to prod me in the back twice before it could get my attention! Anyway, there was no-one around at that hour, even Filch had disappeared, so I had no trouble getting to Remus' classroom. It was unlocked, and I'd heard him use the charm to unlock the door to his office and private rooms loads of times, so I unlocked the doors easily. Honestly, I think Professor Snape would be incredulous if he knew how lax Remus' security is. Then again, I suppose someone with Remus' physical strength can afford to be a little complacent, and it's not as if he's an ex death Eater, unlike some. And this is Hogwarts.

So anyway, I've been in his bedroom now. It's nice – very comfortable, but it needs a woman's touch. It has a huge four poster bed, of course, with a lovely patchwork quilt. He says his mother made it. And there's a heap of fur blankets in a corner by the fire, for when he transforms and Sirius stays with him. Everything else is pretty much as I'd expected, but to be honest, I didn't take a great deal of notice, which isn't like me at all! But when I saw his shape huddled under the quilt, curled on his side, everything else just sort of – slipped away. Like it was out of focus. I held my breath, I didn't dare breathe in case I disturbed him and he sent me away, so I tiptoed across and – oh, this is embarrassing! I know this is my private diary but even so…I must get over this prudishness, especially now! I'm a woman now, I have to keep reminding myself!

So, I took off all of my clothes. Everything. Then I slipped into bed beside him and just lay there, ramrod stiff, wondering what to do next. He didn't stir, and he had his back to me, so I reached out my hand and gingerly touched it. It was smooth. I breathed a sigh of relief. I'd half expected him to have a hairy back, but it wasn't. He felt warm, and satiny, and he stretched out as I stroked him. His legs were closer to mine now and his buttocks were barely touching my thigh. I stretched out with my foot and rubbed it along his calf. His legs were _very_ hairy, and I heard him sigh and whisper my name in his sleep. I just wanted to throw my arms around him then, but instead I lay on my side so that when he turned over we'd be facing one another. I didn't have long to wait, either. He rolled over and all at once his arm was across my hips and his face was inches from mine. I couldn't resist him then, he looked so adorable. I leaned over and kissed him. He didn't respond at all, at first, then his eyes opened, and we both just froze.

"Her – Her- Hermione! What are you doing here?"

It wasn't exactly the reaction I'd hoped for, but I was stuck with it, and I'm not one to give up easily, so I kissed him again. This time, I moved a little closer until my breasts brushed against his chest (I'm not stupid!) and he moaned and his arm tightened around my waist and he pulled me even closer as our kiss deepened. Oh, the way he kissed me! I felt as if I was floating away, drifting off into the stratosphere (Oh, _corny_!) but he was holding me so tight, so close, anchoring me to him, and I could feel how much he wanted me and it made me gasp and wriggle against him. Maybe I shouldn't have, because it made him moan and he pushed me away, holding me at arms' length.

"Hermione, we can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because – because – well, you _know_ why! Lots of reasons!"

"And none of them really matter, do they? Not right now."

He didn't answer, he just looked at me hopelessly and sighed, but then I deliberately leaned over and ran my tongue over his lips, and he pulled me back to him again and then…well, and then he didn't raise any more objections.

It was incredible. I have never felt so alive, so on fire. So – well, so – _ready_ to be made love to. And when he touched my breasts with his fingers, and then his tongue, I could hardly catch my breath. The ache between my legs was like nothing I have ever felt before and I so wanted him to touch me there and find out what an effect he had on me, how much I needed him. I ran my hands all over him, and he's so wiry and strong, and smooth, and when I touched him lower down he arched his back and growled so loud that I was almost afraid for a moment that I was making him transform, even though I know that's not possible because I've read all about lycanthropy.

When the time came, I had to practically beg him to put himself inside me. I don't know what I said, I think I was mostly incoherent by then, but I pulled him over on to me and he entered me at last, so slowly and so gently, a little at a time, until I was grabbing his buttocks and pushing him inside me. Oh, gods, it felt so right. So perfect, and to see his face above me, looking at me with such open wonder in his eyes, I cried. And he was so slow. I don't know, I think I imagined it would be fast, it always has been in my (admittedly somewhat limited) experience, but he rocked his hips against mine (Oh gods!) and did these really slow strokes, not like a wolf or any other sort of animal I've seen on Muggle television nature programmes, but so slow and erotic. He made me come over and over again, and still he carried on. I don't know how he did it, and I thought after a while that perhaps I wasn't turning him on, so I asked him whether he wasn't enjoying it. He just smiled and said he had long since learned to take full control of his body when in human form, so that he could cope better when he transformed, and that he wanted to watch me, watch m reactions to see what pleased me (!!) and that he was so in love with me he never wanted it to end!

Well, I cried even more then – and then the pressure was building up again and everything started to rush over me in waves, and he began to thrust harder and harder and faster until he was coming too, and we held on to each other and were swept away. I ended up in his arms with my head on his chest. His chest is quite hairy and the hairs kept tickling my nose, but it was nice. We lay together for a long time, and we didn't speak. I couldn't, I felt too overwhelmed. I had never expected it to be like that. In the end, he pushed me off him, very gently, but only so that we could lie on our sides, facing one another. Entwined. His eyes were filled with love, and wonder. He told me how beautiful I was, and how he loved me. And then we kissed until we fell asleep.

We didn't wake until nearly lunchtime. He hadn't meant for me to stay there all morning (hah! _I_ had!) and he wanted to send me back to Gryffindor Tower, but I managed to distract him and then it was too late! If anything,, the second time was even better than the first. We weren't quite as hesitant, there was a lot more heat there. I felt thoroughly exhausted when we'd finished, and I had this stupid grin all over my face by the time we'd showered (together! Mmm!) and made our (separate) ways to the Great Hall for lunch. I know exactly what I must have looked like. Glowing, just like Ella.

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Please review!


	4. Seventh Year Spring Term

**_Chapter 4_**

**_Seventh Year Spring Term_**

_Monday January 3_

I can't sleep. I just can't sleep! I hate this room now, because he isn't here. And unless he manages to get an Invisibility cloak to get him into Gryffindor Tower, he never will be!

Oh, now I know what Ella meant! She did tell me what a huge step I was taking, and how once we'd started we'd find it difficult to stop! Oh, but I'm still glad I didn't listen to her. The last week has been so perfect, so wonderful. I spent every night in Remus' bed, and a good part of every day, too. Making love, making more love. And now term's started again and I can't sneak around at night any more, and besides, he's told me that he's been far too unprofessional already and we mustn't be together in term time. I hate his reasoned, sound, logical arguments! I told him that if he was using logic, then logic would dictate that the countless times we've made love ought to see me through the next ten or so weeks, so why did I already feel so desperate for him? He just laughed ruefully and told me he wished it worked like that because he felt just the same. Some small comfort, I suppose, to know that he's aching for me just as I am for him. And he was so damn professional in our tutorial today! Sirius was even in the next room all the time, popping his head in every now and then. Really, I'm surprised at Remus, feeling he needs a chaperone! Maybe he does…but what does he think I could do to him, given half a chance? Oh, Hermione, stop it! I mustn't get all het up. On the other hand, it might be that he doesn't trust himself…oh, there I go again! I just can't stop thinking about his body against mine.

_Tuesday February 8_

Ella cancelled our morning coffee today. Again. She's been acting really strangely recently, and she still hasn't told Professor Snape about the baby. He looks miserable most of the time – well, still an improvement on this time last year, but things certainly aren't as good between them as they were at Christmas. I'm worried about them. She's been so distant lately and to be honest, I've been so wrapped up in Remus, and trying to damp down my passion for him, as well as studying for my NEWTS, that I think I've neglected her, and now I feel like she's shutting me out.

_Monday February 14_

I was so looking forward to dancing with Remus at tonight's Valentine's Ball, but we'd only just taken to the floor when something truly awful happened. Snape and Sirius had a fight right in the middle of the Great Hall. Luckily when all the furore started Remus and I were just passing them, and just as Snape was about to hex Sirius I managed to grab his wand out of his hand. He was furious, and then he punched Sirius and broke his nose. I've never, _ever_ seen Snape so out of control, it was even worse than that time in the Shrieking Shack four years ago. Dumbledore was livid and took him and Ella up to his office at once. Ella looked _so_ upset. Then when they'd gone, everyone was whispering about them. 

Remus took Sirius to the Infirmary with Madam Pomfrey, and I didn't see him again for hours. I just had to sit with Harry and Ron and pretend everything was okay. I mean, they all know I'm friendly with Ella, but they don't realise how close we are, and how much we've confided in one another.

I saw Remus later and he told me Sirius was fine, then I tried to see Ella but she wouldn't answer the door. Well, I had to do something, so I went to the dungeons with Remus. He was worried too. Snape was scary. He was beside himself with rage, although I think most of it was really grief. He had an empty bottle of firewhisky in his hand, and he was ranting and raving about her, about how dare I go to him and mention her name, and how badly she was treating him and he didn't know why. Then he started muttering about how he never deserved her anyway after what he'd done – oh, he was rambling on so much I think he only half realised we were still there! Anyway, she'd left her emerald behind, her Christmas present from him, and he thrust it into my hands and told me to give it to her. Then he glared at us, swaying slightly, and told us to get out of his sight!

We didn't need telling twice. He was unhinged! I've forgiven him, though, not that he'd care. It's obvious how much he loves her, and she's been so odd lately. I'm worried about them both, it shouldn't be like this.

_Tuesday February 15_

Well, I finally got to see Ella, for all the good it did. She wouldn't let me in but at least she answered the door eventually. She was so cold, acting like she didn't trust me as far as she could throw me, and after all that we've been through together, too. Anyway, I gave her the box with the emerald in. I told her Snape wanted her to have it, and her eyes filled with tears and then she rubbed them away and went all cold. 

I hope she comes back. Somehow, I don't think she will, and the thought chills me. And Remus and Sirius have gone to the Shrieking Shack for a couple of days, Remus likes to go every so often, says it keeps him sane the rest of the time if he can just let go every now and then, so I can't even talk to him about all this!

_Wednesday March 1_

Ugh. I got an official owl from the Ministry of Magic at breakfast this morning. So did Harry, and Remus, Sirius and Snape, and Dumbledore. The date for Malfoy's trial has been set, and we all have to attend to give evidence. My heart sank when I saw it, and I felt really sick. I'm _dreading_ it. I looked across to Remus at the staff table and he looked deadly serious, but he tried to smile at me to comfort me. 

And as for Snape, well, he was ashen. His face was literally grey, and he looked as if he was going to be ill. Ella will have had a letter too. She'll have to come back, and Snape must know that. He'll have to see her, and I don't think he'll want to face her, judging by his reaction. Not in front of anybody anyway. He's been positively dreadful these past two weeks. Full of simmering rage. Unbearable in all his classes, so I've heard. 

So many students have come to me and asked me to intercede, as Head Girl. So, I went to see him about it last night, to try to get him to rescind some of the detentions he's set, sort of to appeal to his better nature. _Hah_! And what better nature would _that_ be? He wouldn't even let me in and he even deducted ten points from Gryffindor for my cheek and let me know in no uncertain terms that I was lucky it wasn't more! And after this morning's owls, there is NO way I'm going to go back and try again.

Ella will HAVE to come to the trial. I've heard that if a witness in a trial doesn't show up, the Ministry sends Aurors after them immediately and forces them to apparate to the phone box. And then once the lift has taken them down to the Ministry itself, they're in big trouble for wasting Ministry time.

I couldn't finish my breakfast and when we all stood up to begin filing out of the Hall, Remus came over to Harry and me and said we were excused from our Transfiguration class so that we could attend a short meeting in the staff room. He looked very serious and I wanted to hug him but I couldn't, not in front of everybody. Anyway, Harry and I met him again outside the Great Hall and he held my hand as we went to the staff room. I told him how scared I was and he raised it to his mouth and kissed it and told me he'd be with me every step of the way.

Snape was already there when we went inside, standing against one of the bookshelves, leaning on it with his arms folded. He glared at me when I looked over, and I had to look away, but not before I could see something in his eyes. He looked anguished. He was very tense, for all that he was standing so casually.

I think the meeting was for my benefit and Harry's, really. We talked about practicalities, like when we'd need to arrive in London and staying in the Leaky Cauldron overnight the night before, but then Professor Dumbledore began to explain to us what form the trial would take, where we would have to sit before and after giving evidence, stuff like that which the others presumably knew already. Especially poor Sirius – he must be absolutely _dreading_ going back into that courtroom! Harry didn't look too happy either; he says he's seen it before in Dumbledore's pensieve and it's really creepy.

Remus asked about Ella at one point and Dumbledore explained that she, too, would have had her letter today but that she would be making her own arrangements. At the mention of her name Snape, who had hardly said a single word since we went in, pushed himself away from the bookshelves impatiently, and strode over to the window. He stood looking out, with his back to everyone, and he didn't move until after Remus had tried to talk to him. Then he stormed out, and I didn't see him again for ages.

_Wednesday March 15_

Well, we're here, in the Leaky Cauldron. I have a room to myself. I wanted Remus to visit me tonight but he said he couldn't. The Headmaster has told us that we're in the middle of a school term and so even though we aren't within school grounds, normal school rules must apply. So that means no sneaking around at night. And, worse still, Remus has to double up with Snape. Sirius and Harry are sharing too. Ella hasn't arrived yet, but Dumbledore says she is staying here.

_Thursday March 16 _

She's here. I don't know how she got to her room unnoticed, but she was there when I knocked just now. She looked dreadful. She looked like she'd hardly slept, and she was terrified. I tried to make her feel better, but after a while she just seemed as if she wanted to get rid of me. She kept looking over my shoulder, probably checking for Snape, and when I told her he'd waited up all night for her in the bar in case she went downstairs she went really pale and her eyes filled with tears. Oh, she still loves him, I _know_ she does, but I don't know why she seems so scared of him! Not that he's everyone's idea of a Prince Charming, but they_ were_ happy, and it wasn't _that_ long ago!

Oh dear. Time to go to the Ministry.

                                                                            ***

We're back home. At Hogwarts, I mean. It was an _awful _experience! Malfoy got sent to Azkaban but he didn't go quietly. And I'm starting at the end instead of the beginning! I'm _so_ glad Remus was with me. He's so strong and so caring, and I really needed him today and he was there for me. And Harry and Sirius were glad to have one another too, I could tell. It's nice they get on so well together. I wonder if Harry reminds Sirius of James. I suppose he must do, he looks just like him. And he treats Harry more like a partner in crime than a godson. 

And as for Ella and Snape – well, they really _really_ needed each other today. Trouble is, every time he went near her she shrank from him! Then again, he wasn't especially nice to her. He really should try to be a bit more friendly. For such an intelligent man, you'd think he'd have the sense to put that silky voice of his to better use with her now. She told me once what it does to her.

So anyway, he was already there when we arrived and Ella went all faint. Her blood pressure's shot right up. I was quite worried about her. I just wish they'd talk, I'm _sure_ they could work it out if they weren't so weird around each other! He collared her on the way to the courtroom but he didn't get anywhere – pretty hopeless timing in his part, mind you. And then she was the first to floo back to the Leaky Cauldron when  it was all over, and he shoved past us all so that he could follow her, but by the time we got back he'd gone and she was in tears again, saying she was leaving at once.

 I tried to talk to her but Sirius was the only one she'd let anywhere near her. I don't know what's wrong with the rest of us, I'm sure, but pregnant and hormonal or not, she's really upset me. I thought we were friends. And I miss her. 

_Monday March 20_

Snape didn't travel back to Hogwarts with us last night, but he was back by the time we had Potions this afternoon. Today's tally was seventy points from Gryffindor and forty from Slytherin. He must be feeling particularly venomous to deduct points from his own House, and none of us are incompetent, or we wouldn't even be taking Potions at NEWT level!

I do feel very sorry for him, though. I know how he feels. Well, I don't, but I can imagine. Everyone's been muttering about him and complaining, and I have to try to set an example for the school but still be one of them, and represent them, and at the same time I have to liaise with the teachers and quite frankly however horrid he is, I know him better than my classmates do, through what Ella's told me, ands I wish I could tell them to lay off! Argh! I'm not even making any sense. I need to talk to Remus, I feel like my head's going to explode and I'll never get to sleep tonight. Our next tutorial isn't until next week.

_Tuesday March 21_

I think I might ask Harry if I can borrow his cloak. I really need Remus. I haven't been able to sleep the last four nights, and I can't concentrate on my homework properly.

                                                           ***********************

Oh, I could _kill_ Harry! And Remus too! How _dare_ they conspire like that? I though Harry was my friend! 

He wouldn't lend me the cloak. He says Remus asked him not to. How _dare_ he go involving Harry in our relationship? What an awful position to put him in, it has absolutely _nothing_ to do with him! And he's supposed to be _my best friend_! Oh, I don't know which one of the pair of them I'm more annoyed with!

Harry says Remus was emphatic that he didn't want us to go behind Dumbledore's back. Rules are rules. And Harry repeated his words parrot fashion. Honestly, when have rules mattered so much to _him_? Certainly not when he's sneaking into Ginny's dorm and using silencing charms on her bed! And ass for Remus, well, I thought he'd be a _little_ more understanding. I needed to be with him! It was such a horrid, _horrid_ day. We need not have _done_ anything!

I've calmed down now. Harry came to see me just now. I suppose they're right. But I don't like people knowing better than me. It doesn't sit well with me, I freely admit it.

I've forgiven Harry. He was in a difficult position. But I am SO going to make Remus suffer now. Harry says he was maybe afraid of losing control…well, I'll give him jolly good reason to lose control, and then I'll leave him frustrated. I've watched Lavender string boys along, batting her eyelashes and wiggling her hips. I'm sure I can do something along those lines to Remus. Be the succulent, ripe fruit that he's forbidden to touch. And I might very well _enjoy_ making him suffer!

Am I being very immature? No, I don't think so.

_Wednesday March 22_

I have been a very, _very_ naughty Head Girl! And it felt so good! I went to see Remus at morning break today. I ran all the way to his office so that I could have as much time with him as possible. I asked why he'd felt the need to involve Harry and, more to the point, I told him I'd needed him, needed his company, and I asked him why he didn't credit me with the intelligence and maturity  to know what the boundaries were and to stick to them. And then once he'd apologised, I pushed those boundaries as far as I dared – to their absolute limits!

I unfastened my cloak and let it just fall to the floor behind me. He was sitting in his chair by the fire, and I stood in front of him with my hands on my hips so that my blouse strained across my chest. Oh, and I'd left my bra off, too (Thanks, Lavender!). I noticed him lick his lips nervously as he looked up at them – he didn't know what I was going to do. 

I stood right in front of him, closer, and I was so pleased he had his hands on his knees. His legs were apart, and before he could move I straddled one of them, trapping his hand. I'd charmed my knickers off on the way to his office, and just being in the same room as him always makes me flood, especially when he looks at me with those gorgeous soft grey-blue eyes, so I certainly gave him a shock. His eyes widened as I began to rub myself up and down on his hand and he felt my wetness, and the knuckles of his index finger were directly on me so that with every move I made they stimulated me. Gods, it felt so wonderful I nearly came right then, and I felt so powerful too because he was gasping for breath and saying my name. Before long I had to grip his arm, and not just to stop him from moving it away from under me. I noticed he was very excited too, so I let my left hand brush over the bulge that was straining at the front of his trousers. He moaned as it twitched, and I held the head of it gently with my fingers and rubbed through his trousers until I felt the dampness of his excitement. I looked down at it then, gave it a last teasing stroke, and stood up. I was breathless and my legs were very wobbly indeed (I think I prefer my orgasms lying down, thank you very much!) but I was determined to teach him a lesson. The poor love, I feel so mean now! So I smiled, and thanked him for being SO understanding, and that he was quite right that we _shouldn't_ break any rules, and I left him staring after me, almost speechless. I don't think "But – but – " counts as speech really, does it?

And he had a class to teach straight after, too. 

_Tuesday March 28_

Long faces are everywhere I look at the moment, even in the mirror! Harry and Ron are finally beginning to panic about the NEWTS and wondering what to do next year. Remus and I are feeling the strain of being apart. And I know he's also very worried about Snape, who's like a black rain cloud storming around the castle thundering at everyone. He's so full of rage, even worse since the trial, and no-one can reason with him. I think he's really, really grieving. I wonder what he'd do if he found out she was pregnant? I keep wondering whether or not I should tell him. I'm the only one here who knows, apart from Madam Pomfrey and professionally speaking she can't. Confidentiality and all that. But then I think that Dumbledore's bound to know because he knows everything that goes on here, and so if he knows and hasn't told Snape, there must be a reason…oh, I don't know. Maybe I need to speak to Dumbledore about this myself. Sirius is miserable too, Remus says it's because he's worried about Ella.

_Thursday March 30_

I went to see Professor Dumbledore today. I didn't quite know how to broach the subject with him. We sat down and he conjured some iced pumpkin juice and some fairy cakes, with lovely little flapping wings made out of spun sugar. I just had to come straight out with it. I told him I was worried about Professor Snape and that Madam Pomfrey and I both knew something that might help the situation. He just looked serious and told me he feared that it wouldn't help at all. He knew Ella was pregnant, of course. I knew he would. I asked him why he didn't tell Snape so that he could go after her and bring her home, but he said that that was precisely _why_ he wouldn't tell Snape, and he forbade me to as well. He said that for Snape to go after Ella now would do more harm than good, and that she had to come around in her own time. I argued, and said that surely a little push in the right direction would help, but then he got very serious indeed and told me no-one could interfere with what was ordained, and that events had to play out exactly as the moon and the stars foretold. He sounded so portentous, and I felt a shiver run along my spine. And then he leaned forward and peered at me over the top of his spectacles as he said that he hoped what I knew wouldn't go any further. I knew he meant Remus, and it's so difficult to keep it from him when he's so worried. But Dumbledore says he trusts me to do the right thing. Ugh. I _hate_ it when he does that, he's so persuasive.

_Sunday April 2_

Sirius has gone to Beauxbatons. He says he's fed up with everyone being so passive, and someone should go and see how Ella's doing. I wonder why Dumbledore didn't try to stop him? Maybe it's because Sirius doesn't know why Ella left so isn't going with the intention of forcing her to come home? I think he wants to know why she left, and I think he likes her too. He's a real ladies' man, though, and I'm sure Ella doesn't see him in that way. Still, if he can help her, maybe she'll decide to come home.

Snape, of course, was completely foul today. Remus told me he's mad with jealousy because Sirius has gone to Ella. Honestly, you'd think he'd go after her himself, especially now that Sirius has gone! He hates Sirius. I asked Remus why on earth Snape doesn't fight for her, why he won't go? Remus says Snape feels he doesn't deserve love anyway, especially not hers, and that's why; but if he means because of the poisoning, then she knew that anyway and accepted it already. 

I don't understand any of it. I just wish it wasn't happening.

AUTHOR'S NOTE 

Sorry for the delay in updating this. I am afraid it has taken rather a back seat while I write Chasing Darkness Away.

Please review.


	5. Seventh Year Easter Holidays

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Thanks to everyone who is reading and enjoying this story. I am sorry for the delay in updating it, but I have been concentrating on my other WIP, 'Chasing Darkness Away', and it's a little more intense than this one!

I have edited this chapter quite heavily to remove its more explicit elements in order to not contravene strict ratings guidelines. The full version of this chapter is available on adultfanfiction.net, story ID 10465, sorry it won't let me do a direct link, and in a few weeks will also be archived on my Yahoo group, Severus_Snape_Fics.

**__**

**_Chapter 5_**

**_Seventh Year Easter Holidays_**

****

_Thursday April 13_

I've just come back from spending a few days at home with Mum and Dad. Term ended last weekend and on Saturday morning I had to leave on the train with everyone else, and not spend any time with Remus first! Mum and Dad were going to a conference in Prague today, for a week, so if I hadn't gone when I did I wouldn't have been able to see them. I got back late last night, only to find that Remus was still transformed so I can't see him until tonight!

He knows what I want, now that it's the holidays. Normal school rules don't apply until next weekend! I reminded him of that after the end-of-term feast on Friday and his ears went bright red! I know him well enough to know _exactly _what that means now!

I'm going to have a long soak in a bubbly bath now, and then I won't need to leave Remus's bed for _at least _two days!

I must get some more studying done this holiday, though, but I've scheduled it all into my revision planner. I was a bit generous with the time I've allotted for 'recreation', but I decided I deserved it! Oh, just thinking about making love to him again is making me tingle! It's been such a long time!

                                                                *************

I've just had the most wonderful surprise visitor, and he caught me in the bath!

I was lying up to my neck in bubbles, thinking of him – well, doing a lot more than just thinking about him, actually, and I'd just got to the stage where I had to whisper out his name when he answered me with mine! The shock of someone getting in to my bathroom, let alone bursting in on me at a crucial moment, made me jump so high I splashed water everywhere, and then he was kneeling at the side of the bath, reaching into the water to hold me, and kissing me so passionately I could hardly breathe! His sleeves were soaked, and as he kissed me he half stood up and actually climbed into the bath fully clothed, saying my name over and over. It's the most erotic experience I have ever had. Somehow or other, I managed to undo his trousers and take him in my hand, and he was so hard and hot and I wanted him so much and he was shuddering and he felt so wonderful! It was fast and furious and desperate at first, but then he suddenly stopped and we gazed deep into each other's eyes, and I nearly cried because he was panting and almost sobbing with need and I love him so much! After a while we started again, more slowly, and it was sheer bliss. And when we came, we held each other so tight, tighter than ever before.

It's a good job the walls are thick and the school's nearly empty because neither of us remembered to do a Silencing charm until much later on, when we were in my bed.

I may have to schedule in a lot more recreation time into my revision planner.

_Friday April 14_

I'm taking a fifteen minute break from my Arithmancy revision to write this. Oh, I'm in heaven! Remus and I have made love so much since yesterday that I feel sore all the time and I can hardly walk! And sitting down for long periods of time isn't that comfortable either at the moment! And I know I could make the discomfort go away, and maybe tonight I will, but for now I'm on my own, in the library, and I don't want to. I like the constant reminder of him, and how he felt. Gods, he's a wonderful lover! And he's insatiable, and he can keep going for ages. Such amazing self control, not like me, who's all over the place, screaming in abandon at what he does to me, coming at the slightest touch of his lips on my – yes, well, I can't write about that. Not here in the library. I know there's no-one here but me, but even so…Anyway, he's fantastic at it. What more can I say? And he adores me, he really really does! I don't think I could possibly be any happier.

Remus came to find me just as the dinner bell sounded. He came loping over to my table with his hands in his pockets and a huge smile on his face, and when he kissed me…ohhh!  His hair was damp and flopping over his face, and I grumbled at him for having a shower without me! He laughed and said he thought I preferred baths! I told him we'll have to try out the shower together again before I can make up my mind. He kissed all the way down my neck and then he told me I tasted good enough to eat, and he was starving! We went to the Great Hall anyway…I've seen what he can put away at mealtimes, and I wouldn't want to deprive him of a square meal!

We tried to 'exercise a little decorum' (his words!) during dinner, so there was no canoodling or innuendo. But I did whisper to him at one point that I wanted him so much I had to keep clenching my thighs together. I couldn't resist, I just love to make him go all pink-eared and squirmy!

Snape was there. He didn't sit near us, and he didn't speak to anybody at all, not even Professor McGonagall. Actually, the two of them were two _very_ good reasons for Remus and me to be discreet. Professor McGonagall would disapprove, I'm sure, and poor Professor Snape doesn't need to have his nose rubbed in it. Oops. That sounds awful, I didn't mean to mention his nose. 

Talking about his nose, however, and the uses to which noses, in general but I imagine large ones in particular, can be put…reminds me that I wanted to write about what Remus did to me today. I love Remus's nose. I love everything about him. This morning when I woke up, he wasn't with me. I remembered waking up a few times in the night and his arm was always draped over me, and his legs wound around mine, so I knew he'd stayed. I called to him, and he came out from the bathroom wearing nothing but a smile and….!!!!. He stretched himself out alongside me and ran his hand along my jaw and under my hair as he kissed me, then he ran his tongue down to my breasts and licked hard. I asked what he was doing and he smiled and said he was saying good morning to every little bit of me, and to lie still so that he didn't miss any of me out! So of course, after that comment I couldn't stop wriggling. He drove me wild, kissing and licking all the way down past my thighs, and then back up again until he reached the tops of my legs. He parted them, and kissed inside my thighs…and then nearly sent me through the ceiling. 

I've read all about cunnilingus, of course, and I've always wondered what it could feel like, but books don't give you the vaguest clue as to what it's really like….I was a quivering wreck by the time he'd finished with me. I was sobbing and shaking, I'd wanted it never to end and yet at the same time I couldn't stand the ecstasy he was making me feel! I was crying out his name and the tears wouldn't stop. I couldn't help it. He crawled back up the bed and pulled me to him, and he rocked me and shushed me and comforted me, and he was just so incredibly loving and gentle, which just made me worse!

He ended up leaning against the headboard with all my pillows behind him (he used a charm so they arranged themselves, it's a really good one so I've memorised it) and I lay in his arms, snuggling into his chest. He has a very hairy chest. I asked if it was always that hairy, or was it just because he'd only just transformed. He seemed to think that was really funny, but he said no, it's always that hairy. The hairs are all grey, and very soft. I could quite happily bury my face in there and never come out. I told him that, and he squeezed me and said that twenty minutes before, he'd felt exactly the same about me! I blushed then. And decided I wanted to see if fellatio was as much fun as cunnilingus. I strongly suspected that it would be, with him, and I was right.

_Tuesday April 19_

I've just re-read my last diary entry, about what Remus did, and what I did after. I've sort of been putting off writing about it, because it feels weird to, but I keep telling myself that it's one of those things I'll want to remember. I suppose a pensieve would be even better, but I don't have one, and they're very expensive. It's not as if I can ask Remus to buy me one, it isn't even my birthday or Christmas. I can't just say,

"Oh, Remus, please could you spend this month's wages on a pensieve for me? I want to use it to remember the first blow job I ever gave you!"

Hardly. I'll just have to put aside my misgivings about writing down something so explicitly, and give a blow by blow account. Har har har. Ron and Harry would have such a laugh at that comment. Not that I'm ever going to tell them! Good grief, what an embarrassment if they found out!

I almost wish I'd never done it. It's just left me feeling there's more about him to want, now, because I miss the way he tastes now, along with everything else…the way he feels inside me, his kisses – everywhere – his hairy chest, his musky scent, his strength…just everything.

He was just…wonderful. He lay back on all the pillows and I knelt between his legs and put my hands on his shoulders and then just stroked him, along his collarbone and over his shoulders, then around his neck and under his hair, and he lay there and just smiled contentedly, with his fringe flopping over onto his forehead (gods I love the way it does that!). Then I started to kiss the places I was stroking, and his arms came up to stroke my hair. I kissed all over his chest and ran my hands up and down his sides. He really liked that, because he kept sighing, and I could feel something happening further down too. By the time I'd reached his belly button I think he'd realised what I wanted to do because he started to whisper my name and arch his back. I ran my hands along the outside of his thighs, which are far less hairy than his shins, and then moved around to stroke the softer skin of his inner thigh. 

I could smell him now, because I was getting pretty close to where I wanted to be, and I think he was giving off pheromones or something because he wasn't the only one who was really turned on by this point. I kissed his thighs and let my hair fall all over him and brush across him. He loved that, and he groaned. I kissed my way up to the hollow of his hip, and gradually round to the thick hair of his groin, then I nuzzled into it and breathed him in. He smelt of sex, and musk, and animal lust. I felt his erection twitch against the side of my head, and so I stopped what I was doing so that I could have a nice, long, close-up look at it. I never really had before, so I was curious. It's lovely. Long and straight, not all short and stubby like Viktor's was….

It was very salty, but not unpleasant. I remember reading somewhere that it can taste a little different according to the type of food the man eats. Remus eats everything he can get his hands on so I don't know how he'd feel about experimenting with different food groups. I think I'll ask him anyway, it would be an interesting experiment and I think he'd enjoy my doing the field tests! 

How can someone so strong be so gentle? He is _wonderful_. And what I was doing felt wonderful too, and not just for him. I hope he comes back soon then I can do it again. He's gone off into the forest on his broomstick with Madam Hooch, scanning the perimeter to check all the wards. Dumbledore says we can never be too careful these days.

Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I felt so powerful! To have a man like Remus writhing around underneath me, calling out my name, helplessly under my control was _amazingly_ erotic... But oh, the way he looked at me when I climbed back up to lean on his chest! He made me feel like a goddess…

I made sure I caressed his balls all the time, too. He _really_ liked that. I don't think _all_ men do, though, although I'm hardly experienced in the matter. I wish Ella was still here to ask. OK, scrub that thought. I'd rather not know!

Speaking of Snape…he's not doing too well. I think he spends every evening drinking himself into oblivion, because no-one even sees him prowling the corridors at night any more, and he's always extra foul in lessons. To give him his due, though, it hasn't affected his teaching. Since we're all used to him being a complete bastard anyway. He misses Ella so much, it's written all over him. I feel so sorry for him. Remus has tried to get through to him but his efforts just get thrown back in his face. He asked Snape why he didn't go after her, everybody knows she's at Beauxbatons, but he won't go. Seems to think he doesn't deserve her anyway. I thought when Sirius went, he'd follow out of jealousy but he didn't.

Remus has been gone for about two hours now. He said he'd be back in time for dinner, of course. We haven't been apart since last week. I've even been revising in bed, snuggled up to him. It's been blissful. I don't know how I'll cope without him next week when term starts again, but I suppose we don't have that much longer to wait. Besides, I am a firm believer in the importance of clandestine assignations. And if he tries to argue, I'll remind him of how persuasive I can be.

Poor Remus, he really doesn't stand a chance!

_Wednesday April 27_

It's been three days and I'm climbing the walls. I hate this dorm, I hate my room, and I hate sleeping alone. I've only seen Remus at meal times and my tutorial isn't until tomorrow, Lavender and Seamus are snogging in the corner of the common room and I feel like just hitting them both, and all Harry and Ron can do is pester me for help with their revision. And to cap it all, my period started today so even when I do see Remus tomorrow I can't even try to get him to make love to me. 

If anyone dares talk to me I think I'll scream.


	6. Seventh Year Summer Term

**Chapter 6**

**Seventh Year Summer Term**

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_Monday May 8_

Well, my three hour tutorial with Remus lasted four and a half! And I can still smell him on me. We did work on my thesis, but not until after I had performed a full body bind on him and levitated him through into the bedroom. And I only released him once we were both naked, and by that point he wasn't particularly capable of arguing restraint…Oh, I missed him so much! But it was wonderful, and talking about my thesis afterwards was wonderful too, especially since we were still in bed when we did!

I am glad Sirius has gone off to France again, though, because he would have been there as chaperone otherwise and I couldn't have overpowered both of them at once. And Remus told me Ella might be coming home! He says Sirius was in a very good mood when he left, but that he couldn't tell me why. I felt a little hurt at first because he was keeping a secret from me, but then I realised he was only doing what I have been doing since Christmas. So then we had one of those really confusing and roundabout conversations, where both of us were alluding to things, and people, and circumstances, without ever actually coming right out with it. He didn't know_ I_ knew Ella was pregnant, and I didn't know _he_ knew!

Anyway, eventually we both came clean, and he told me Sirius had found out she was pregnant when he went to see her after the trial and she told him she thought Snape was going to try to kill her and the baby! It turns out she's had a horrendous few months, and all because of her pregnancy hormones and that business with You Know Who, and coming to terms with what Snape did when he was a Death Eater. Sirius persuaded her to get counselling, and now she wants to come home and get back with Snape!

I don't know what to think. I'm so glad she's coming home, I've missed her, and I'm glad she'll be telling Snape about the baby, but I really don't know what sort of a reaction she'll get. I mean, he's been so foul, he might be totally beyond her reach now. And she might not want him when she sees him. He keeps up appearances in front of most of the school, but evenings are a different story. He's really let himself go since she left.

Gods, did I really just write that? Of course she'll still want him, why else would she be coming home? And she's the reason he's like he is now. She'll have her work cut out, that's certain.

I asked Remus if Snape knew what was going on, and he said no. Ella wants to surprise him, catch him off guard. That sounds very Slytherin to me. Even so, it's probably for the best. Good for her!

_Monday May 15_

Ella's back! Sirius came to tell me at break, but I had to wait until lessons were over for the day before I could go and find her. Remus came with me, and I was almost running by the time I got to the Hospital wing. We bumped into her just outside, and she looked absolutely exhausted. She had huge bags under her eyes and I kept thinking she was about to burst into tears. We went into her room and she hugged me and said how sorry she was for the way she'd treated me. Oh, it's good to see her again!

Her meeting with Snape last night didn't go too well, she said. He was very bitter and just when she thought she'd got through to him she fell asleep, and when she woke up he told her to leave. Remus tried to comfort her, telling her Snape would come round eventually, but we _all_ know how long that man is capable of holding a grudge!

Still, if anyone can talk him round, Ella can. He completely adores her, and she's having his baby. Two pretty good incentives, if you ask me.

_Thursday June 1_

Met Ella in the kitchens for coffee after the house elves had cleared breakfast away. She's completely fed up. Snape is ignoring her most of the time, when he isn't making cutting remarks, that is. What is wrong with that man? Anyone else would jump at the chance of happiness, and companionship, and true love! Why can't he see how much she loves him?

She says he's testing her, waiting for her to leave him again. She says that if she just sticks it out, he'll trust her again, but when she says it she looks so worried. I'd love to know what it is about him. I mean, really understand. Loving Remus has made me more appreciative of how she feels, and I admit, he might be sort of smoulderingly attractive, but still…he's still Snape! Oh well. Maybe he's just really fantastic in bed. Oh, that's shallow, Hermione! And he couldn't possibly be as good as Remus. Although I'm surprised I can even remember!

_Tuesday June 6_

Someone's put the cat amongst the pigeons! I feel so sorry for Ella, it's going to make things worse, I'm sure!

The Daily Prophet came at breakfast, as usual, and it had a front page article about Ella in it, basically calling her a serial flirt and worse. It was horrid, and that awful Skeeter woman obviously hasn't learned to behave any better since I caught her in a jar in fourth year! Ella looked sick, and as for Snape, he looked even blacker than usual. He looked as if he wanted to kill Ella. Who'd have thought he could ever look at her like that, when they used to love each other so much? Actually, I'm sure they still do. I know she certainly does, she tells me often enough. This can't help matters, though, it really can't.

And I haven't seen Remus all day except for at breakfast and lunch. It's dinner time soon, I must finish my Transfiguration notes before then.

_Wednesday June 7_

Well, I was certainly wrong about that awful article not helping matters! They're back together! Ella forced Snape's hand last night, AT LAST! That article did them a favour! She dressed up to the nines and walked in to the Great Hall in the middle of dinner last night, said something to him and then left! And he went after her, and then she flooed me this morning from his room looking so happy! He wasn't any better than usual, mind you. He came up behind her as we were talking and he cut me off in mid sentence!

Anyway, I got to see Remus again today for my last proper tutorial and I asked him what he'd said to Snape last night. He said he'd just told Snape he should go to her, and that he must know she'd make him happy. I love Remus so much for doing that.

Sirius was there today, in Remus' office, asleep in front of the fire. After last time I think Remus was a bit nervous that I'd seduce him again. Honestly, anyone would think he didn't enjoy it! I suppose I have to admit – grudgingly! – that we did get a lot of work done today. And now I have to do even more work to get it all written up!

I'd better get on with it.

_Thursday June 8_

Ron and Harry are driving me mad. They're revising hard, I'll give them that, but I wish they didn't have to whinge about it so much! It's not MY fault they've spent most of the last two years playing Quidditch, and it's not MY fault that they aren't taking the same NEWTS as I am so they can't use my revision notes! Honestly, I've had just about enough. And then, when they annoy me so much that I lose my temper with them, they have the _nerve_ to tell me it's because I'm frustrated and I should ask Remus for a "_mercy shag_" to relieve my stress! Grr! And what makes it even worse is, they're partially right!

It isn't fair. I know very well that Harry and Ginny sneak off with that invisibility cloak to have sex wherever and whenever they can. I keep telling Harry that isn't what the prefects' bathroom is for. And Ron and Parvati are always sneaking down into the common room in the middle of the night. And I know Harry would lend me his cloak, after the grief I gave him about it last time, but Remus is so insistent, after the full body bind incident, that we must not break the rules! So bloody noble and responsible, when it suits him! 

I am so frustrated I could scream.

_Monday June 13_

I took my Transfiguration NEWT all day today. Theory this morning, practical this afternoon. I answered every question on the theory paper, even though we only needed to complete five out of eight questions. So I did the five I knew best first, and then spent the rest of the time on the last three. 

As for the practical, it was quite easy. I had to change a footstool into a small dog, with extra marks for the pitch of the bark and whether it could slobber or not (Eww! Give me a cat, like Crookshanks, any day!). Then I had to change the dog into an accordion, and get a tune from it, before returning the footstool. Professor McGonagall was very pleased. She told me that one year, a rather unlucky student had messed up the second stage and transfigured the dog into an accordion that ran around the classroom and then weed all over her favourite chair! I like Professor McGonagall. Underneath that dour exterior she has a very dry sense of humour.

There's nobody here in the common room but me from seventh year. All the others are off down to the Quidditch pitch to let off some steam. I think I'll go to my room and floo Remus.

_Tuesday June 14_

Charms today. Professor Flitwick was ever so pleased with me. I managed to perform some Apprentice level charms that we hadn't covered on the syllabus, after I'd completed the examination. He was so excited he fell off the chair he was standing on. 

I've been wondering more and more about my career. I really don't want to leave Hogwarts. I mean, I'd like to go to University, but sometimes I think I'd learn more staying here, the teachers are so talented in their fields. For instance, Professor Snape has a brilliant mind. Not such a brilliant temperament, though. I would hate to be his apprentice. I'd probably end up as his skivvy. Then again, now Ella's back with him he's looking a lot more mellow, even if he is still a complete git. I think Professor McGonagall would be good, though. And Professor Flitwick.

I'm not looking forward to my Potions NEWT on Thursday. Last week at the end of our final lesson he told us that the exam was going to be the most difficult one he's set in years. And he actually smiled about it! What a bastard! (And I use the word 'smile' loosely.)

At least I have all day tomorrow to do some last minute revision for it. I wonder if I could get Remus to come to my room for a while?

_Wednesday June 15_

Remus came to see me this afternoon. He flooed into the common room and sent a first year up here to get me! Why couldn't he have just flooed into my room? He obviously didn't want us to get 'sidetracked'. I had to smile sweetly at him when I went down to meet him because the common room was quite busy and I couldn't say anything! At least he had the good grace to look sheepish, and then once we had found a quiet corner and sat down he gave me that gorgeous lopsided smile of his and I just melted. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and I COULDN'T! It's such a strange sensation, to feel annoyed at someone when all the time they're making your insides turn to jelly. 

We finished off my thesis, all we really needed to do was check it was all there and in order, and add some references, write a précis, that sort of thing. He took it away with him when he left, to send by owl to be marked by an independent examiner from the NEWT Independent Study Team, or NEWTIST. So, I suppose that's another NEWT crossed off the list now! Only Potions and Arithmancy to go.

The common room was nearly empty by the time Remus left, because it was almost time for dinner. We were at the farthest end of the room and he cast a low level concealment charm so that he could kiss me goodbye. He tasted so sweet and I wanted him to hold me, but he wouldn't. He didn't want us to be noticed. Damn him and his overdeveloped sense of propriety! Ah, but that's just part of who he is, isn't it? And I love him, after all. But understanding him doesn't make this yearning for his touch any easier to bear!

_Thursday June 16_

Oh. My. Gods! Oh, thank goodness it's over! 

Snape is a complete bastard, I don't care WHAT Ella thinks of him, there is NO WAY I will ever understand! What a smarmy, smug, snarky, vindictive git!

The theory exam was a_ nightmare_. I mean, _really_. I barely had the time to answer the last question on the paper before he announced that the exam was over! And all the way through it he sat there, behind his lectern, like a huge overgrown raven, fixing us with his beady black eyes every now and then and smirking evilly to himself. Grr! I didn't even have the time to go back and check my answers! I think I got them all right, though, or most of them anyway. I need to go through a few textbooks to double check, after I've revised for tomorrow's Arithmancy.

And as for the practical…well, it wasn't as bad as the theory. At least my cauldron didn't explode, like he'd threatened it might. The bastard. And I know my potion was okay, because he scowled at me when I was bottling it. Professor McGonagall told me that at least once a year, during the OWL or NEWT practicals, he takes a student's work off them as they're bottling it and pours it straight down the sink! They have a pretty good idea that they've failed when that happens. 

Remus flooed me as I was getting ready for bed. He'd seen me at dinner, but not to talk to. I told him the exam was a complete nightmare. And I told him that I missed him. At least we don't have to wait too much longer.

_Friday June 17_

They're over! All over! No more work, no more studying! I feel exhilarated, and free, and so happy! 

I think I'll go down to the library later to take my books back, and see what new periodicals Madam Pince has in. Ars Alchemica would be nice. And I'm sure there's a new Advanced transfigurations text in stock, I remember Professor McGonagall getting quite excited about ordering it.

Arithmancy was fine. I've always been quite good at it. Once you understand the numbers, there's really nothing to it. I didn't need to do much revision for it, really. In fact, of all the exams I think I enjoyed it the most.

I checked out my Potions exam answers last night before I went to sleep, and I don't think I have anything to worry about. Those questions were so challenging and stretching, but I truly believe that Professor Snape was being very fair when he set the papers. Anyone who had been paying sufficient attention for the last two years should say the same. I really don't understand why people complain about him so much.

Dinner was really noisy today. Everyone was so relieved all the exams were over, and even the teachers looked a lot happier. Especially Snape. Ron leaned across me and said to Harry that the greasy git could spend all day every day shagging Ella now and maybe he'd go easier on the marking! Harry tried not to laugh because he knows I disapprove, but honestly! Do they think I'm deaf? They ought to know by now I'd far rather succeed on merit.

We had a party in the common room after dinner. There was music and people were dancing. The prefects and I had to make sure nobody got too silly, and I think the first years were a little intimidated by all the noise at one point, so I had to do my Head Girl bit and lay down the law. Anyway, by midnight it was safe for me to come back to my room and get ready for bed. I'm shattered.

_Saturday June 18_

Went to watch the Quidditch final. We beat Ravenclaw, and won the cup! We were behind all the way through but then Harry caught the Snitch! And thank goodness, too. I mean, Quidditch can be exciting, and I do like it, but it was so hot today and it went on a little too long for my liking. Apparently in 1897 a match between Ravenclaw and Slytherin lasted for thirteen and a half hours! Not as long as that notorious World Cup match that lasted days, but a school record all the same. I was glad of the cool breeze on the way back to the school. And getting back my personal space, the stands were packed! I wish I could have gone in the staff stand with Remus. I'll be able to next year, if I'm an apprentice. Remus is the only one I want to invade my personal space. And the more often he does it the better, as far as I'm concerned.

I didn't see him walking back up to the school, so I stopped off at Hagrid's instead. He gave me a huge tankard of pumpkin juice and something that he referred to as a fairy cake, but it looked more like a dragon cake, if there is such a thing. The wings were all leathery and dark green. Hagrid seemed really proud of them though, so I had a few bites and managed to sneak the rest under the table to Fang. I thanked my lucky stars that Ron and Harry weren't there. I hate to think what rude comment they would have come up with! Poor Hagrid, he does try. Anyway, I'd no sooner thought about them than they turned up, still in their Quidditch robes. They said they'd been congratulated by all of Gryffindor House, and they hadn't even gone to use the showers! And they sat upwind of me! Ugh, boys!

Remus came up to me as dinner was ending, and asked me to go for a stroll. It was a lovely evening and he was in such a good mood! He kept grinning at nothing in particular, and I kept asking him what he was looking so pleased about! Eventually he took my hands and led me into the rose walk, behind a sculpture where we could talk privately, and he told me he overheard Snape propose to Ella at the Quidditch match today! I was so shocked! He says they're made for each other and that it's about time too.

I am pleased for them, really, I _am_. I adore Ella, and I know she loves him more than life so I accept there _must_ be a wonderful man hidden away there somewhere. There _must_ be. But I still can't quite see it. I mean, I know he'd die for her, I know he will always love her, but what on earth is it about him? I've decided he must show her things no-one else ever sees. His nice, loving side. I wonder what he's like in bed? Bet he isn't as good as Remus.

Anyway, on our way back inside (after some very nice stolen kisses that left me feeling very dizzy but totally unfulfilled) we saw Ella crossing the Entrance Hall. Snape was nowhere in sight so I went up to hug her. She was on her way back to the dungeons after a quick visit to the Infirmary for a heartburn remedy. She says the baby's affecting her digestion at the moment. Anyway, I whispered to her that I knew, and she gave me the most brilliant smile but shushed me, because the announcement won't be made till tomorrow night. She said she and Snape are going for a picnic tomorrow and said we'd be welcome to drop by and share, and winked at Remus. I think she's noticed how much he eats.

Remus walked me back to Gryffindor Tower. On the way he said it would be a good idea to take her up on her offer. He said we would get more time alone if we did, rather than go to Hogsmeade along with everyone else. And it has the added fringe benefit of annoying Snape! Remus has such a mischievous sense of humour. Then he said he won't be walking me to the Tower many more times. He sounded very sad and wistful, and he slipped his arm around my shoulders. I wanted to tell him then, that I might be able to stay, but I can't. Not yet. Not until it's all definite.

He kissed me goodnight as if he never wanted to let me go. I wish Parvati and Lavender hadn't chosen that particular moment to come out through the portrait hole. Remus jumped away from me and practically ran down the corridor and I just had to pretend my body wasn't on fire from his kiss and act all casual. The sooner I don't have to hide my feelings the better!

_Sunday June 19_

Today was absolutely blissful from start to finish. Everything I want is all coming together, and I can hardly believe it! The only way I could be happier, right at this particular moment, would be if Remus was lying beside me. Soon, Hermione, soon!

I was flooed before breakfast by Professor McGonagall. She still had her nightcap on, and her flannel nightdress, and she looked very flustered. The first thing she said was to ask me whether Professor Flitwick had seen me yet. I said no, since I hadn't even been awake for more than twenty minutes, and she muttered something about him being very determined and overcompensating for his lack of stature! I was shocked, but she is my Head of House after all so I didn't dare laugh. She told me she wanted to see me immediately after breakfast, so of course I agreed. I had a feeling it would be about an apprenticeship so I was too excited to eat much. On my way out of the Hall afterwards I wasn't looking where I was going and I almost fell over Professor Flitwick trying to block my path! He was insisting I accompany him to his office at once, but before I could explain, Professor McGonagall was there firmly ushering me away! 

I know what she means about Flitwick's determination now, though, he is very tenacious. He stamped his feet and threatened to cast a charm to take Professor McGonagall's voice away, and it wasn't until Professor Dumbledore intervened that either of them would back down! I haven't ever been fought over before! Unless you count Ron getting all sniffy about Viktor, and I don't.

So, they both wanted me to be apprentice to them, and I couldn't decide between them, not at all, so I am to be apprentice to them both! As long as they understand I won't be using a Time Turner to help share my time between them! I've had enough of those things to last me a lifetime.

I went to Remus after, in his office. Sirius was there too, so I told them both. I could tell Remus was so pleased. His grin nearly split his face and he squeezed me so tight and for such a ling time! Sirius was beaming too. I still need to go home for a couple of weeks, to see Mum and Dad, and tell them I won't be going to University, but then I'll be back here for good! Oh, I can't wait! I'll tell Mum and Dad about Remus too, and he might come to meet them. I hope they like him. I'm sure they will, what is there not to like? Well, apart from his being so much older than I am. And the whole being a werewolf thing. That might not go down too well but if they get to know him first I'm sure they won't mind too much.

We all went down to the old oak tree together. Sirius was going to Hogsmeade but he walked down with us so that he could annoy Snape. Honestly, those two are still so childish, even after all these years. He went on ahead as a dog so that he could sneak up on them and tell them he was doing them a favour by warning them we were on our way. As if Snape would believe Sirius was trying to be nice!

The picnic was lovely. We took our own food so there was tons of it. It was so relaxing, just to sit in the sun and relax with Remus, with another couple. Good grief, fancy me talking about relaxing with Professor Snape! But we did, we all did. It was great. Snape even started to call me by my first name, and I teased him by calling him Severus! It was so funny, he gave me such filthy looks but there was nothing he could do! And he got used to it as we ate, until he forgot to be Snapeish and talked to me about the apprenticeships and why I hadn't opted for Potions! I couldn't believe it! 

Anyway, he dozed off with his head in Ella's lap after lunch, and Remus fell asleep too so I sat beside Ella in the shade of the oak tree and she showed me her engagement ring. It's gorgeous. Professor Snape does have very good taste, I have to say. It's an emerald, like her pendant, set in white Dwarvish gold made to look like a serpent clasping the stone. Very Slytherin, but it's so exquisite that even a Gryffindor like me would be proud to wear it.  And she just radiates happiness. I can't see auras but I could feel hers blazing today. And he was so calm, somehow. Still tense, or rather, _in_tense, but calm too. Weird.

They left soon after he woke up. After a while Remus and I heard a scream and looked up to see them both on a broomstick, swooping low over the trees! I have never seen Ella on a broom before, she hates them almost as much as I do! The last thing we heard was her screaming, "Not the lake! Not the lake!" and then hysterical laughter as he flew her off to goodness knows where!

Remus was laughing his head off. Says it does his heart good to see Snape let his hair down at last. And of course, we were alone after that, and we could let our own hair down for a while…Mmm, it was lovely. We set a high level concealment charm to make sure we wouldn't be disturbed, although they're no good at all against Professor Dumbledore's brass telescope so we couldn't do too much. But his kisses turned me to jelly and the things he can do to me through our clothes is …unbelievable. Thank goodness for hot summer days and thin clothing. 

_Monday June 20_

Rita Skeeter wrote another poisonous piece in the Daily Prophet again today. The complete cow. I should never, never have handed over that jar to the Ministry. Too honourable for my own good, I am!

There was far worse news to come, though. Remus took me and Harry to Professor Dumbledore's office after breakfast to tell us all that Lucius Malfoy's escaped from Azkaban! I felt sick. And what makes it even worse is that it seems as if Fudge helped him! Apparently the Ministry is in uproar. I wonder who the new Minister for Magic will be? I wouldn't envy him, whoever he is.

Remus took me to look at my new rooms when we left the Headmaster's office. They're really nice, and I do like them, but I couldn't really take it all in. I just wanted to be alone with him, and have him hold me. There isn't any furniture in there at the moment apart from a rather old and dusty bed, so we sat on that and talked for a while.

I really didn't cry that much, before Christmas. I suppose the horror of it all was taken away when I found out how Remus felt. Then by the time the trial came around I was so nervous I didn't need tears. But today I just started to cry, and I couldn't stop. I just sat there and wept, and he held me and kissed my tears away but more kept coming and I didn't want to cry, I really didn't, because we were alone and it was such a waste of our time, but I couldn't help it. We ended up lying down face to face, holding on so tight. 

I love him so, so, so much.

Anyway, later on when I felt a bit better Remus summoned a house elf and we had some bread and cold meats, and lemonade. And we talked, a lot. Remus had a class after lunch, so he had to go, and then I took a good look at my new rooms for the first time. They're great, but I can't help thinking I'd rather just move in with Remus. Maybe it's too soon, I don't know. It doesn't feel like it's too soon. I want to be with him all the time, night and day. I'm sure that's what he wants too. 

I have a large bedroom with a wonderful bathroom off it, better than the Prefect's bathroom and even nicer than Remus', and a study/library almost the same size as the bedroom. In fact, the rooms might be bigger than his are. He could move in with me!

I decided to go to the library to get something to read over the summer, and Ella was there looking at back issues of the Prophet. She showed me a small pamphlet she found in her new rooms – there's a secret library there, it sounds really exciting! Anyway, I offered to translate the pamphlet for her. She thinks it might have something in it that removes magical scars. She meant Snape's Dark Mark. Made me shudder. Anyway, a lot of the pamphlet is written in Latin, it'll be fun trying to translate it. And it might take my mind off Malfoy.

We spent ages talking about our new rooms. I got really excited because we can go shopping together, Sirius told me about a brilliant place on Dartmoor that sells everything! I persuaded Ella to go with me some time soon. It'll have to be soon, she's huge! We must have been talking for ages because Snape came to get Ella in the end to take her to dinner. I followed on and caught him accosting her up against a wall! It was so funny, I made the same snarky comment as he'd made to me about not wanting to be late for dinner after I'd passed them, completely oblivious! Actually, watching them together was surprisingly erotic. Gave me a tingle! Problem is, it reminded me of just how frustrated I feel at the moment. I wish I'd made the most of when we were alone earlier. Oh well, not too much longer to wait. Five more days, and we'll be together. I can't wait.


	7. Summer Holidays After Seventh Year Part ...

Author's note 

Sorry for the horrendously long delay in updating this! I hope you enjoy it. I have almost finished writing 'Chasing Darkness Away' now, so I hope to devote more time to this very soon.

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**Chapter 7**

**Summer Holidays After Seventh Year Part 1**

_Wednesday June 22_

Term ends in two days. I've been here for seven years and this place feels more like home to me than home does. And I'm so glad I won't be leaving for good on Friday!

That book Ella gave me is really intriguing. Ella was right to think it could be important. I'm having a little trouble with some of the translations, but I'm not doing too badly with it. The trouble is, it doesn't make much sense. Maybe I'm just too literal. Maybe it needs a more flamboyant interpretation, I don't know. Anyway, Ella will be pleased.

I wonder if it could really work. Ella says Snape really wishes he'd never taken the Dark Mark, so it stands to reason he'd like to get rid of it.

_Friday June24_

I won the House Cup!

Well, Gryffindor did, I mean, but I _am_ Head Girl! And I have the cup right here in front of me, on my desk. It has to go back into the Trophy Cabinet tomorrow but tonight it's _all mine_! It's lovely, it's really old and very heavy. As soon as Professor Dumbledore announced it, the engraving from last year disappeared and the new year and House magically appeared, The inscription looks just like Professor Dumbledore's handwriting, all curlicued and flourished. I am so proud I could burst! To win the house Cup as Head Girl! I'll get a whole entry in the next edition of 'Hogwarts; A History' now, in my own right and not just as a sidekick to Harry and Ron.

Our last day was weird, really. We seventh years all spent most of it outside, relaxing on the lawns down by the lake. Remus and Sirius were busy, but I didn't mind. The rest of my life is ahead of me, and soon I'll be able to spend all the time in the world with Remus. And I know I'll keep in touch with Harry and Ron, of course, and Ginny, but there are people I've spent seven years with who I may not see again for years, if ever. People like Susan Bones, and Justin Finch-Fletchley, although the Fates know _he's_ no great loss. I suppose I'll see Parvati and Lavender, for as long as Parvati is going out with Ron. After that, who knows? We're hardly going to get together in wine bars and night clubs to discuss make-up tips or where to buy the trendiest dress robes.

It's all come to an end, and I feel so sad. Elated, and looking forward to the summer, and next year, but still sad.

_Saturday June 25_

Everybody's gone home for the summer. Ron and Ginny have gone to the Burrow, Harry and Sirius have gone camping, and I need to move all my stuff into my new rooms and then tomorrow I go home to Mum and Dad's. I do hope they like Remus. At least I have a few days to get them used to the idea, before they meet him. But all that isn't till tomorrow, and tonight I will be with Remus ALL NIGHT!!

Ella came in just before. She wanted to know about the pamphlet, so I showed her all my notes. I'm sure she can use the recipes and incantations to help Professor Snape. I wish I wasn't going home because then I could help, but she says we can make a start as soon as I get back. I don't want to miss anything. She was so excited after she'd read my notes.

Oh, and Professor Dumbledore knew about the pamphlet! She told me he'd had a word with her in the corridor and told her she was going to live up to her name and she had the power to heal Snape! She was quite disconcerted, but I think it means she's made a really important discovery in that pamphlet. I hope we can figure it all out.

_Sunday June 26_

Last night was wonderful. I moved all my stuff then went to see Remus. He was tidying up his office, but when I knocked on his door he turned to me and swept me off my feet in a bear hug! He is SO strong, I'll never get used to it! And when he kissed me, my feet still hadn't touched the floor and he was crushing me against him. I had to squeak that I couldn't breathe! He put me down, all apologetic, but then he kissed me again and _that_ took my breath away too!

I kept half expecting Professor Dumbledore to walk in, to officially declare term was ended and we'd be allowed to be together from now on, but he didn't – thank goodness, how embarrassing would _that _have been – and so Remus locked and warded all the doors and did a Silencing charm, and…

Well, it was worth the wait. More than worth it. 

Mmm.

We certainly made up for lost time, all day and all night too. He's not just strong, he has amazing stamina too…

_Tuesday June 28_

I've been home two days now, and I miss Remus and Hogwarts already.

Mum took me shopping today. We haven't done that in so long, it was really nice. We had lunch in a small coffee shop, surrounded by all our bags. I decided to tell her about Remus, it seemed like a good opportunity because we'd been nattering all morning and we were both very happy and relaxed. I was so nervous, all of a sudden, because I really didn't know how she'd take it. 

She was okay. I'd like to be able to say she was enthusiastic and eager to meet him, but she wasn't. I could tell, as soon as I told her he was a teacher and a lot older than me. She didn't let me tell her anything about what a wonderful person he is until she was quite convinced that he hadn't taken advantage of his position. I did manage to convince her, eventually. Then I told her he had been one of those who had helped rescue me and Ella from the plateau, and she softened a little then. I finally got to tell her what a warm, gentle person he is, caring and loving and responsible and intelligent…(Oh, I miss him!) and then I told her about staying on at Hogwarts. 

I knew she wouldn't like it. I mean, she's delighted in one sense, that I'm being fought over as apprentice to two of the school's Heads of Houses and grudgingly admired by a third is no mean feat, and Mum understands that, after seven years! But she thinks I'm only doing it to stay close to Remus. She thinks I might be letting him hold me back. She doesn't understand, it isn't like that! She says she's looking forward to meeting him. I know she'll like him. And we'll tell Dad all about it tonight. He'll be okay.

And then I'll have to think about how I'm going to tell them Remus is a werewolf.

_Wednesday June 29_

I didn't tell them about Remus being a werewolf. I've decided it will be far better for them to get to know him first, because then it won't seem so bad. He'll be a real person to them then, not just a teacher twice my age.

I know I'm doing the right thing.

_Saturday July 2_

It's midnight. Remus is in the guest room, and there's only a wall between us. Mum made me promise to keep my distance while we were under their roof. She's very traditional.

I am trying to see their point of view. It's their house, and they hardly know him. And I'm still their little girl.

But I'm not! I'm eighteen years old and I've slept with him before! And on Monday night I'll be shagging him senseless back at Hogwarts! It all seems so stupid and pointless, but I'll do as they ask. I did it for the Headmaster (well, we only had a few lapses!) so the least I can do is respect the wishes of my own parents. Oh, but it's so hard, wanting him so much!

We're going to tell them tomorrow that Remus is a werewolf. I'm dreading it.

They like him up to now, anyway. He apparated here after lunch and he'd tried really hard to look smart. He was wearing Muggle clothes, grey chinos and a grey fleece. I met him in the back garden and he kissed me so sweetly once I'd reassured him we weren't being watched. We went inside and I introduced him, and Mum and Dad were great. Mum whispered to me in the kitchen that he wouldn't look anywhere near his age if it wasn't for the grey flecks in his hair (I had to bite my tongue to stop myself saying it was the wolf in him). He does have quite a boyish face, especially when he smiles and when his hair flops over his eyes. I sat beside him on the sofa and it was all I could do not to keep hugging him! I ended up sitting on my hands. Pawing your lover while he makes polite conversation with your parents is NOT the best way to impress them. (Lavender, take note!)

Dad did interrogate him rather. I was surprised, I thought it would have been Mum. Maybe she had a word with him. He was asking all about his career, and his job security, even hinting that he'd like to know his financial circumstances! Honestly anyone would think we were wanting to get married!

Now there's a thought. What if he did want to marry me? What would I say? And more to the point, how many seconds would it take me to say it? Mrs Remus Lupin. Professor Hermione Lupin.

We ate dinner in the dining room. Mum used the best china and glared at Dad every time he was a little too heavy handed with it. Remus ate everything that Mum put in front of him, of course, and kept up an enthusiastic commentary about how tasty it all was. Mum was completely won over by the time he offered to do the washing up.

We didn't wash up, of course. Remus and I muttered a few cleansing charms and had a cuddle by the back door, making the most of being alone for a few minutes. Mum and Dad didn't let on, if they were any the wiser. We spent the evening in front of the TV. They were surprised that Remus was so familiar with it, even though he'd explained he'd spent a lot of time in the Muggle world. But he still asked lots of questions, so that pleased them. And we even held hands. It was nice.

_Sunday July 3_

We told Mum and Dad about Remus. Gods, and I thought they were interrogating him yesterday! I felt so sorry for him but he bore all the personal questions with very good humour. Everything he does just makes me love him all the more. He was absolutely brilliant with them. 

We were all sitting in the back garden after lunch, finishing off some cold beers, and Mum and Dad were really relaxed. Remus cast a Silencing charm so the neighbours wouldn't overhear, and then he told them. Very delicately. Realisation dawned only gradually, I could see it on their faces, but they took it amazingly well. I suppose after everything I've had happen to me over the last seven years, this mustn't seem particularly remarkable. Plus the fact that the only werewolf films they've ever watched have been those old 1930s films with Lon Chaney in them. Far be it from me to tell them it's more like the American Werewolf in London one. I'm not stupid, and it's not as if they're ever going to have to watch him transform.

Like I said, once he'd had a thorough grilling, about how it had happened and what precautions he took, Dad toddled off to get some more beers from the fridge, asked Remus if he wanted to watch some Grand Prix on the telly, and that was that! They went inside, leaving me and Mum. Mum looked a little embarrassed, and eventually she asked me what would happen if we had children because she wanted to be a Grandma one day! Good grief! I told her it was far too soon to think like that, but that when the time came there were measures we could take to ensure the mutated gene was removed.

Oh yes, they were both very interested to hear about the Wolfsbane potion, and how Professor Snape is going to teach me how to make it. They asked whether he was still as disagreeable as ever, but I had to say that actually no, he isn't. Nowhere near. Although on reflection, maybe I'm just seeing him differently now.

I wonder how Ella is. I'll find out tomorrow, when we go home.

_Tuesday July 5_

It's so good to be back at Hogwarts! And in Remus' rooms, too! Mine aren't furnished yet, I want Ella to come shopping with me. I saw her yesterday, after we got back. We bumped into her and Snape in the cloisters. They were strolling along arm in arm looking all flushed and smiling. They make a lovely couple! Of course, as soon as Snape saw us, he turned the smile into a scowl, but it was too late, we'd seen it! Hah! And Ella looked quite glassy-eyed, I wonder what they'd been up to?? I don't need to wonder at all, it was obvious. We didn't stop to chat much, we were quite eager for a little privacy ourselves!

I wonder how they manage it, now Ella's so big? I mean, evidently they do, but as Remus and I were making love yesterday I thought, there's no way they could manage this position now. Remus was covering me with his body, almost squeezing the breath out of me, pressing his hips into mine. It's funny the way my mind can go off at a tangent sometimes, even when in the throes of passion. I must ask Ella whether she does that too. I could ask her about positions too…but I'd have to be very drunk!

So anyway, Remus and I had pounced on each other as soon as we were back in his rooms, and I just couldn't wait for him. I was so ready for him. I was desperate to feel him inside me. And the way his body felt when I pulled him on to me…all wiry and strong, and some of him is very hairy while other parts are so smooth and soft…the different textures of him rubbing all over me is so incredibly erotic. Just the feel of his skin against mine was almost enough for me, but then I felt him nudging against me and I almost screamed. I pulled up on his buttocks and he entered me, finally, after such a long wait! Once he was fully inside me I just clung to him, wrapped myself around him and held him there, even though I couldn't breathe. It felt wonderful, hot and hard and filling and stretching me. I nearly came when he shifted his hips against mine, and he held my face in his hands and kissed me so sweetly but I was shuddering and trembling and could hardly kiss him back, it was all too much, too intense. He stared into my eyes as he began to move, but I was coming and I couldn't stop calling out his name, and it went on and on and on for ages until he came too, and it was all so perfect.

Afterwards we just lay together while we got our breath back.

And today, we 'slept in'! I think we'll be doing a lot of that! Lots of early nights, too!

_Sunday July 10_

Remus has had to go away for a few days, to a symposium on the use of Wolfsbane in werewolf behaviour modification. Snape didn't go, even though he makes the potion, but Remus didn't want me to go with him instead. I don't know why, not for sure, but I think he's going to be a curiosity for all the scientists there. I don't think he wants me to see him stared at and prodded and poked like a lab rat. I wish he could see that it wouldn't change my opinion of him, I'm sure that's what he's scared of.

I've been reading a lot today, outside in the sunshine. It's been okay.

_Monday July 11_

I think I might go and see Ella later. I want to know when we can go to Clawfoot and Sprawls, the big furniture place Sirius told me about. It's owned by an albino and a cockatrice, apparently, but he says the cockatrice doesn't see the public very often. Just as well, really, they're usually pretty violent creatures.

Remus came home about half an hour ago. The Headmaster owled him, he said, and asked him to come back early because he needed to see him urgently. As soon as he'd said hello and dumped his things, he had to go to his office. That's why I'm writing this now. 

I have been doing some more reading today, on Transfiguration mostly. I have full access to the Restricted section now, it feels weird to do it legally!

_Tuesday July 12_

I don't want to do this. I'm forcing myself to do this. Must keep busy, must keep up with things, don't let it slip, you'll regret it if you do. Do the right thing.

So what _is_ the right thing? Is it right that the people we love have to risk dying for us? Again? Where is it going to end?

I don't _want_ to write this! What's the point? I just want to cry. 

_Wednesday July 13_

On Monday when Remus went to see Professor Dumbledore he told him that Draco Malfoy and his mother have left Malfoy Manor, and it all looks very suspicious. Snape's Dark Mark is almost black, and they think Voldemort's building up to something, with Malfoy's help. Fudge's too, I shouldn't wonder. So, the Order decided that Remus, Sirius and Snape should go off to track them down!

What the hell are Aurors for? Why did Remus have to go? I can understand Snape having to go because of the Dark Mark, although it's pretty rotten for poor Ella, but why Remus? I suppose because of his powers and his good qualities. And to keep Sirius and Snape from killing each other.

I fear for him, and I miss him. I fear for them all.

When Remus told me he had to go the next day, I cried my eyes out. I tried not to, because he looked so sad and so anxious for me, but that just made it worse. And the thought that Ella was feeling exactly like me, probably making love to Snape while I was making love to Remus, made me feel all the more frantic not to lose him. It felt like war.

Then early yesterday morning, they left. We stood holding one another for what seemed like ages on the front lawn. We didn't move. I couldn't. He was stroking my hair and whispering to me, comforting me. I hate good byes. I didn't want him to go, but because I knew he had to, and I couldn't stop any of it, I just wanted the moment of parting to be over. I was willing the time to go faster so that he'd be gone and I wouldn't have to say goodbye to him any more. It was too horrid. And now I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I feel like I should have savoured every single second he was holding me, memorised everything about him instead of wondering when it would be time. I hate myself now for feeling like that. How could I have _done_ that?

He'd better come back to me. 

So that was yesterday, and then this afternoon Harry left for the Burrow. Sirius is his only relative, the only one who cares about him, anyway, and he's feeling just as worried as we are. At least he'll have Ginny and Ron to cheer him up. And at least Ella and I have each other. 

After we'd seen him off Ella and I sat outside and talked about the wedding. Professor Dumbledore told her yesterday in the kitchens that he wanted her to be married to Snape by the time term started, and she'd better start making plans. He was quite firm about it. She's asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I'd be really excited and happy if I didn't feel so miserable. 

We sat on Godric's Seat and came up with a brilliant idea. The wedding ceremony is going to be held across the lake, there are some gentle foothills there and the view back to the school will be fantastic. She wants it to be at Hogwarts because Snape loves it here so much. Funny, it's hard to imagine him loving anything about Hogwarts, he always looks so miserable! But I am learning to see past all that, now, because of the way he is over Ella.

I made sure Professor Dumbledore will charm the squid on the day, though. We don't want any nasty surprises!

_Saturday July 23_

I found Ella asleep in the Silent Quadrangle today. She hasn't been sleeping properly, she says. She's been lying awake at night staring into the emerald Snape gave her, watching him sleep. I wish I had something like that to watch Remus in. But at least, through her, I know he's safe. For now. And if I did, I'd probably do exactly as Ella's doing, and _then_ who would there be to go and rescue her from suntraps and put healing balm on her nose? She was so embarrassed, but I thought it was funny!

We talked about the translation. She got very excited about it. She said she'll tie Snape to the bed while she does the spells on him, and she said he'd think it was a game! Well, I didn't know where to put myself, I was so embarrassed! The thought of Professor Snape playing bondage games in bed is just too weird! And to think, only the other day I was wondering about discussing sex with her and comparing techniques! Stupid, Hermione! There is NO way I want to know. I just can't see it. Severus Snape, sex god? No way!

_Sunday July 24_

Ella met me in the staff room late this afternoon, about an hour after we'd arranged! She'd fallen asleep again. Honestly, it's no wonder she lies awake all night! I told her she needed to sort herself out before the baby comes. She isn't getting any younger. 

We talked about the Almanack again until dinner, and tomorrow we're going shopping!

_Monday July 25_

What a wonderfully strange man Mr Sprawls is! He's part owner of the furniture store we visited today. He's an albino, and he must be around seven feet tall! He moves with all the grace of a gazelle combined with oddly elongated limbs that remind me of a spider! And he has such an eye for texture, and colour, and ambience. I could have talked to him for hours, he was fascinating. He told me all about the history of magical furniture and how wizard-created pieces were always more intrinsically reliable than enchanted Muggle items. Mr Weasley will be disappointed when I tell him. 

It wasn't just a sales spiel, I rather hope that I'm too intelligent to fall for one of those, and since he knew who I was, and even greeted me by name and congratulated me on my reputation, I'm sure he wouldn't have bothered trying to dupe me. Although, thinking about it, he was so nice to me that I did end up spending rather more than I had planned…

Damn. Maybe I did succumb to his sales pitch after all. Oh well. What I bought is lovely, and my rooms are going to make such a cosy den for Remus and me. He'll love it, I know he will.

I wonder where he is now? He must be okay, Ella would have told me by now if he wasn't. But waiting for her to come rushing in with bad news is killing me. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time.


	8. Summer Holidays After Seventh Year Part ...

**Chapter 8**

**Summer Holidays After Seventh Year Part 2**

****

_Wednesday July 27_

He's back, and he's safe! And the baby's a girl! I am SO happy!

I'm using a new 'Quick Quotes'™ quill to write this, it's so much faster than longhand AND it reproduces what I say word for word, not like the one that Skeeter woman has, which is _obviously_faulty!

Remus is sleeping in our bed, here in our rooms. _Our rooms_! He looks so tired and thin, his skin was grey when he first came back and he has huge black rings under his eyes, poor love.  Oh, it was SO good to see him again! Such a relief! I have to say, there were times when I despaired of any of them ever coming back. It was so dangerous. Not that I ever voiced my fears to Ella…it wouldn't have helped her.

Remus and I lay down together when we got back from the hospital with his pack and all our shopping from Muggle London and he was going to go to sleep then but he started to kiss me instead, and…well, before we knew it we were naked, and we'd missed one another so much we couldn't help but try to make up for lost time!

And then he couldn't sleep because we'd promised to go back to St Mungo's because of Ella being in labour, so we did, and she's had the most adorable little girl! In a way I'm a bit cross I missed it, but then I suppose Professor Snape would have made me wait outside anyway.

And I WAS so happy to see Remus again, I really needed to spend some time with him. I can still hardly believe he's home.

They're calling the baby Persephone, and they're both overjoyed! Oh, it was lovely to see. And little Seffie's so cute! I do hope she takes after Ella, but for the moment she's definitely got Snape's hair!

So, we stayed for a while, and saw Sirius too (he's a lot better) then finally came back here.

Remus looks SO gorgeous when he's asleep. It was funny, he lay on the bed while I used the bathroom and when I came back out just now he'd nodded off! So, I'm going to get undressed in a minute, then undress him, and curl up in his arms. It's going to be wonderful, holding him all night after so long.

_Thursday July 28_

Ella and Snape brought Seffie home today. We all met them out on the front lawn and went back to their rooms to celebrate for a while. I got to cuddle her, but Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall were clucking around us the whole time so I had to hand her over in the end, and then we had to go. Oh well. I might go back tomorrow, on my own.

Remus came with me to the library to look for charms texts in the Restricted section, and we sat and looked through some of them together. It was nice, he pointed out some really useful ones I'll have to learn. He got quite engrossed in one of the books and I sat and watched him for a while. He scratches his head when he's thinking hard. He doesn't look quite so tired now; I let him sleep last night! (Of course, this morning was a different story…)

_Friday July 29_

Remus and I went to Diagon Alley today so that we could get Harry a birthday present. Luckily Remus knows far more about broomsticks and Quidditch than I've ever bothered to learn, so I let him help me choose something. It's a book of special charms that Harry can learn to help him practice different famous techniques, like the Wronski feint, by actually experiencing them as performed by the original inventors, so to speak. He had the idea after sitting in the library with me yesterday. I'm sure Harry will like it, although he'll have to put a bit of effort in…still, he was okay at Charms and it won't hurt him to practice a little now he's left school. He'll probably complain about it, tell me it's typical of me, but he'll like it really. And if he doesn't, I'll just have to blame Remus!

We bumped into Parvati and Padma outside Florian Fortescue's. Remus and I were sharing a sundae on one of the outdoor tables and they were just coming out. They caught him feeding me a spoonful of ice cream and then kissing it off my chin…their faces were indescribable! It was all I could do not to laugh. I am actually VERY surprised that Ron hadn't told Parvati about us. I must remember to thank him when I see him, for his unusual discretion! Now, I wonder how long it will be before Lavender finds out and starts banging the jungle drums?

Actually I did feel rather cross with them…we told them Ella's had her baby and they started off by making all the right noises, but then Padma made a comment about feeling sorry for Seffie, having Snape for a dad, and it really annoyed me. They have NO idea that Remus and Sirius and Snape have just risked their lives trying to get Malfoy and Voldemort. They have no clue what kind of man Snape is. I had to bite my tongue, though. There's no point contradicting people like that. They'll believe what they want to believe no matter what_I_say. _I'm_just the goody two-shoes who always sticks up for the teachers, after all.

I think I must be getting quite fond of the miserable old git after all.

_Saturday July 30_

I'm feeling rather annoyed today. I've tried three times since yesterday to go and see Ella and Seffie, and I simply can't get there! Every time I step on to one of the staircases, it moves and never in the right direction! I end up trying different routes, even doubling back on myself, but it doesn't make any difference! And yet, if I want to go anywhere else in the school, they behave themselves perfectly!

And just as I was getting _really_cross, Professor Dumbledore met me at the foot of one of them and had the nerve to tell me that the school was allowing Ella and Snape a few days' privacy to adjust! The school, my foot! I think he's done it himself, the manipulative old goat!

Ooh, score through that. I can't go thinking things like that about the Headmaster. But I'm her closest friend, surely she'd _want_to see me??

I'll try again tomorrow. Surely they'll have had long enough by then? Besides, it's Harry's birthday and they need to know about the party.

_Sunday July 31_

Harry's 18th birthday!

He's still at The Burrow, with Ginny and Sirius and Ron and everybody, but they're all coming back to Hogwarts after lunch. We'll give him his present at the party.

I _finally_got to see Seffie today! At long last! Honestly, she has changed SO much in the last three days. So have her parents, too…Ella looked a fright, tired too, but she was positively glowing. Being a mum suits her, or it would if she'd remembered to brush her hair! And as for Snape…good grief. I have never seen him so…dishevelled!! All he was wearing when I got there was a loosely tied dressing gown. I couldn't help but stare, I've never seen his body before. For a second or two I was picturing him and Ella _together! _

Then he noticed and stormed off into the bedroom, and when he came back out he was fully dressed, which I thought was rather a shame. I think Ella was teasing him about it and he scowled at her, but she didn't mind. She never does. Either she has the most amazing patience, or he's putting it all on for everyone else's benefit. Or maybe he's just one hell of a lover. I'd ask her, but I'm too embarrassed and besides, I think I know what she'd say. A mixture of all three!

I can't wait for Harry's party tonight!

_Monday August 1_

What a brilliant party!

I think it'll take me days to recover, though.

I think the very best part was being able to dance with Remus all night and not worry about keeping our relationship hidden any more. Being in his arms, having him spin me around the dance floor and hold me so close…mmm, it was lovely! Stealing kisses too, little ones, and not caring!

It was a very eventful night, all things considered! Loads of people came, including Parvati and Lavender. Her eyes were almost popping out of her head when she saw Remus standing casually with his arm around my waist.

There was an 'unexpected guest' too – Snape's brother Caius! He's very attractive, tall and dark and with the Snape nose, but very friendly and dashing. Gorgeous, really, but not as gorgeous as Remus. He was really pleased I'd asked Professor Dumbledore to tell him about his brother's upcoming wedding, and he'd decided to come down a few days early to see them! Snape didn't look particularly happy to see him, but then I shouldn't think anyone would expect him to. He is a miserable old bugger. Caius hit it off with the boys, and he is SO unlike Snape I can hardly believe they're related. Except for the nose, like I said! Remus says Snape has always resented Caius but he doesn't really know why.

By the end of the party, though, they seemed to be getting along okay. We were all sitting round a table and talking. Caius really is the life and soul of the party and he had us all in stitches. Snape scowled a lot at first, but then he started to join in a bit, just commenting on things Caius said, correcting him here and there and putting a Snapeish slant on things, but it didn't sound as horrid as usual. It sounded dry, and witty. And all the time Ella was sitting beside him and hanging on to his every word, and he kept caressing her shoulder, I'm sure he didn't realise he was doing it. I don't know, they just seemed so happy that his words didn't come across as cruel at all. Far from it. I think everyone was surprised, really. I know Harry and Ron were. Honestly, I've been trying to tell them for _ages_now that he can't possibly be all bad! Maybe they'll start to believe me now.

_Tuesday August 1_

Our dresses came today! And they're gorgeous!

Remus and I just managed to make it to the Great Hall for the end of breakfast, feeling highly embarrassed because it would be pretty obvious why we'd been delayed…but luckily loads of people missed it completely because of overdoing it at the party. I don't suppose Snape was on hand with any hangover potions this morning either, too busy with his domestic duties!

Oh gods, I just imagined Snape in a pinny, changing nappies!

So anyway, an owl came just after we sat down, with a message to tell me that a witch from Madam Malkin's would be calling this morning to deliver Ella's wedding dress and my bridesmaid's dress. Sure enough, by the time we'd finished our toast she'd arrived, and I took the dresses back to our rooms at once.

Oh, they are beautiful, and I can't wait till next week! My dress is in deep wine red shot with gold, and it's gently draped at the front and back Grecian style, with a gold kirtle and gold trim. It's sleeveless. I think I'll need to wear my hair up, but I'll see what Ella says. Her dress is so beautiful, it's shot blue, green and silver, long sleeved and totally romantic!

I went down to the dungeons after lunch, hoping to find Ella on her own with Seffie. Snape was there, of course, but when I said why I was there he left us alone. Ella loves her dress but it will need altering now she's had Seffie. I tried to do a simple charm to fix it, but Madam Malkin must have protected it so that only she can alter it, because my spell wouldn't work. That means Ella's going to have to go back to Diagon Alley with it for another fitting.

I tried mine on again and Ella agreed that it was beautiful. I can't wait for Remus to see me in it.

_Thursday August 3_

Absolutely nightmarish day. Thank the Fates it's all over and she's okay. Ella went to Diagon Alley with Caius today and Malfoy and Skeeter took her, and she met Voldemort again!

Snape was the first to realise something was wrong. It was because of the emerald she wears and the connection they have. Apparently Voldemort sucked her into an amphora and while she was in it, Snape felt her absence and he knew something was wrong. He was frantic, shouting at the top of his voice for help. I think he had the presence of mind to use Sonorus because Remus and I almost jumped out of our skins, his voice reverberated through the whole school!

Professor Dumbledore alerted the Ministry and Snape went to Diagon Alley to try and find her. Madam Pomfrey and I stayed in the dungeons with Persephone. There was nothing we could do except wait. It was awful, I was so scared for her because really, we had no idea at that time what had happened to her, and no idea of how long we would have to wait for news.

I'd been wishing I'd get a chance to baby-sit, but I hadn't wanted it to be under those circumstances. Madam Pomfrey was brilliant, I could tell she was fretting but she told me she'd been in that situation so many times, usually with Professor Snape, that she knew how to cope with it. I asked her if he'd ever told her about Voldemort, but she pursed her lips and looked upset. I didn't press her to answer. So of course then I started to remember when I was on the plateau with Ella and I got upset. Completely useless.

It was such a relief when she burst in with Snape. She looked frantic, grabbed Persephone from me, crying her eyes out, then she and Snape disappeared into the nursery for ages.

I went all limp with relief then and when Remus came in I just burst into tears. I hadn't known where he was either, but he'd followed Snape and had been searching for Ella. Everyone was waiting with us for Snape and Ella to come out so that she could tell the Headmaster what had happened. I listened, but I hardly heard what they all said. I couldn't take it in, it's been too traumatic, and I know that sounds really weak and pathetic and I should be stronger than that, but coming so soon after last time, and Remus' going away, and everything…all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and shut it all out.

Remus understands me so well. Better than anyone ever has. As soon as was decently possible he made our excuses and took me back to our rooms, made me sit in front of the fire with a mug of hot chocolate and a huge bar of it too, 'for dunking', he said. And then he got the counterpane off the bed, the patchwork one, and we sat together with it round our shoulders and he just let me talk. We sat there until the chocolate was all gone and the fire had died down to embers, and then he took me to bed and held me for hours, until I felt better and he'd fallen asleep.

_Saturday August 5_

What a dreamy day! I feel like I'm floating, on a fluffy pink cloud of sweet loveliness!

Heehee! Too much of Fizzyternal's champers, I think! Wheee! I really really hope our wedding day is as lovely as Ella's was. I wonder if he'll ask me one day? Ooh, maybe I should ask him now! What a brilliant idea! I wonder where he's gone?

_Sunday August 6_

I was a little tipsy last night. By the time I realised where Remus had gone – to get me a combined Sobering/Hangover potion from Madam Pomfrey's stores -  I'd started to feel a little bit queasy and I'd gone into the bathroom, just in case. Which was quite lucky, really…I would have been mortified if I'd proposed to him while I was so drunk, especially if he'd said no!

Ugh. I've had time to think about the whole thing now, in the cold light of day, and a proposal would definitely be A Bad Idea at this point in our relationship, no matter which one of us it came from. I mean, I hope he DOES propose one day, and I shall be sorely upset if he doesn't; but not just yet. We haven't been together long enough to know each other's ins and outs…and I don't mean sexual compatibility, because that isn't in question at all. That's one area where I KNOW we're made for one another!

The wedding was lovely, though. I mean, I know I was drunk last night, but it's true. Even Snape couldn't wipe the smile from his face, except when he was looking at Ella as if she was the most heavenly creature he had ever laid eyes on. Gods, the intensity in his eyes. I felt quite weak at the knees myself! And then I'd turn to look at Remus and I'd see the same look on his face, but it was all for me!! I don't know how I got through the day. I don't know how Ella did! She looked fantastic, and she'd made me look better than I've ever seen myself before. I reckon Remus thought so too.

I'm glad I got to know Ella. She's the big sister I never had, and she's my best friend too.

                                                                            ***

Professor Dumbledore just flooed us. I'd almost forgotten, with all the excitement and the champagne and everything, that Ella was going to try Gruber's incantations and poultice last night. It worked! It actually worked! Apparently the Dark Mark's gone, Snape's in a state of shock, Ella's deliriously happy and oh! So am I! I know what this will mean for them both. He'll be free of the summons, the itching and the constant reminder of his past. He might actually be truly happy! Now there's a scary thought! And it means so much to Ella too. I feel like going straight down there and hugging them both but I imagine the staircases would conspire against me again so I won't bother just yet!

And besides, Remus has been sitting here for the last half hour with his arm around my shoulders, stroking my neck. I don't think I can take much more of it!

I am so lucky. I hope this lasts. Me and Remus, I mean. I want us to be like Ella and Snape someday. Not just yet, but someday.

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**THE END**

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AUTHOR'S NOTE; Please review!


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